It's all my mother's fault...

The Short List

2006-05-06T19:11:00.000-07:00

I have just watched an amazing movie called The Secret. It is very similar to What The Bleep in that it discusses how our thoughts create our reality; that the reality that we possess now is only one reality. We are only limited by where we choose to go with our thoughts.

One of the fundamentals of applying The Secret is gratitude. By being thankful for what we have, we are able to create more of it. Here are a few things I am grateful for:

A husband with an amazing sense of humor
A daughter who is, herself, a product of our visualizations
An amazing home in an ideal neighborhood
Yellow tulips in my front yard
Grass seedlings sprouting on my lawn
High speed Internet
A king-size bed
A mother who is my best friend
A father who passed to me an incredible passion and intensity
A sister who takes joy in small things and possesses great generosity and undying love
A brother who unconsciously causes life to spontaneously unfold ahead of him
Another brother who changed all of what we thought was ideal
Grandparents who demonstrated passion, intensity, flair for living and generosity of love
In-laws who truly love their children and see their grandchild for the miracle she is
Vehicles that run and have ample space
A garbage disposal that works
A laptop computer
Ample referrals so that I will win my ipod and camera
Friends with wit and insight
Online money-making opportunities that allow for small risk and large pay-offs
A place to write how I feel
French onion chip dip
Intelligence to apply these processes
Clothes that suit and flatter my body
Cable television
Toys for my baby
Masses of women who are empowered and who are strong
My outgoing nature
My ability to make people laugh
My love of music
Hiking in the woods
Peace; stillness
My daughter's laughter
Making my husband laugh
Being able to understand a concept
Ability to change my life through visualization

Nauseating News

2006-04-26T19:44:00.000-07:00

Police Want To Know Who's Dumping Bags Of Vomit

POSTED: 7:37 am CDT April 26, 2006

MOUNT PLEASANT, Iowa -- Sheriff's deputies in Iowa are in the midst of a disgusting investigation.

Deputies in Henry County are trying to find the person who is dumping bags of what looks like human vomit.

Deputy Dan Wesley said they've found as many as 50 garbage bags containing regurgitated food over the last three years. He said it's pretty weird.

They've sent some samples to a lab for analysis, but Wesley said they haven't gotten any DNA yet.

Wesley said they just hope whoever is doing it will stop.

Technorati Tags : News_of_the_weird, Vomit, Police, Iowa, Henry, County, Regurgitation

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Back To My Roots

2006-04-17T10:24:00.000-07:00

Recently I was reviewed by another blog site. The review was quite blunt; scathing, in fact. It was a major hit to my confidence, but it really became a catalyst for my thoughts.

I've been thinking for some time that I needed to do something to jump-start my writing. I've talked to Nick about this a lot and, time after time, he has reminded me that I need to be doing writing just to do it - not to make money. While I've known this to be true, I've been sluggish in really "getting" it. It seems that I've spent so much time researching what I need to do in order to make money through writing, that my content has taken a down-slide.

So the other day, following that awful review, Nick and I had another heart-to-heart about my blogs. He really laid it out there again, saying that if writing didn't inspire me and give me life, then I needed to step back and find out why. He reminded me of why I write. I don't write because it brings me big bucks (or even ANY bucks), and I certainly don't put together SEO articles or anything to that effect. I write because it's a catharsis, and because sometimes writing, for me, is easier than talking.

You'll notice the change in template and the lack of ads. I'm going back to the basics. I need to just write for awhile and let the rest follow as it will. I'm not going to force this. Bear with me as I figure this out - again.

Technorati Tags : Writing, Non_Profit, Writers_Block, Blogging, Husbands, Bad_Review

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Dangers of Everyday Life

2006-04-12T09:24:00.000-07:00

I was reading my friend, Camille's, blog the other day and was reminded of an experience from my childhood. I grew up in Texas, in an extremely rural area (think tumbleweeds and tarantulas) and we had a lot of snakes - including, but not limited to, rattlesnakes and moccasin snakes. In fact, we had so many encounters with rattlesnakes that we actually owned an ice pick, not for dealing with ice, but for....um...."dealing with" rattlesnakes. I remember several near-miss experiences that we always discussed with a sort of reverence; referring to God as saving us from these snakes. One such situation included my sister (around 3-4 years old at the time) running playfully down a path and just sort of stepping over the feared snake lying in the middle of the trail. Later on, my mother would shake her head with a mixture of fear and relief and we recounted the story. I definitely grew up with a healthy fear of the creatures.

I also remember often driving on a bridge that went over a river. The dirt was red and the river seemed to be always just short of a true river; drought usually made the water recess. At some point or another, my parents warned us that there was quicksand on the banks of that river. They may have only mentioned that in passing, but it was burned on our brains as if they recited it daily. After we moved from Prayertown in Texas, I remember hearing that one of my best friends had run away from home and was found walking down that same road; over that same bridge. I instantly had an eerie vision of her sinking into the sand, arms reaching up for help.

They also told us that there were moccasin snakes in that river and that if they bit you, your tongue would swell so as to cover your throat, thereby suffocating you. I always had a picture in my mind of a person's tongue getting bigger and bigger as their eyes started to pop out of their sockets; brains consumed by the knowledge that they were going to die soon. We were always warned to stay away from that water because the dangers were unspeakable, and we lived several hours away from the nearest hospital. To this day, I sometimes unconsciously hold my tongue between the roof of my mouth and my lower teeth just to assure myself that it has remained the same thickness as ever.

Technorati Tags : Rattlesnakes, Water, Moccasin, Prayertown, Texas, Quicksand, Childhood

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Almighty Google

2006-04-11T10:36:00.000-07:00

Well I'm back, but I'm hesitant to say so since I just feel so sucked of creativity lately. I know, I know, it's the same old thing every time. I would blame it on Mercury Retrograde again because I've been reading a few other blogs and they seem to be having the same problem, but unfortunately the Retrograde is over and we are left excuse-less.

I did want to mention that I received a "warning" from Almighty Google saying that my blogs were receiving "false impressions." Apparently it's not a good idea to enroll your blog in a program like Blog Explosion because you are basically generating false hits. I don't exactly agree with this because although I know some advertisers do pay a very minute amount for impressions, the vast majority only charge for clicks. In my mind, a click is a click (unless of course it's click fraud, but that's another story). If a person is interested in an ad on my page and therefore, clicks on it, that is a legitimate click - whether they are coming by way of Blog Explosion or by way of search engine. I would also be interested to see how many people received this warning. I have navigated Blog Explosion and Blogmad and have seen countless blogs with Google Adsense on them.

Regardless of what I think, I obviously don't make the rules so I have removed my blogs from any program that could give them "false impressions." I am, however, still trying to wrap my brain around the situation -- but I guess there are whole blogs about this. It's a bit discouraging though because it puts me right back at square one, making .16 per day and at a loss as to how to bring in traffic. At least my mother still reads.

Technorati Tags : Google_Adsense, Writing, Creative, Blog_Explosion, Clicks, Impressions, Advertisements

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Rising Star

2006-04-06T13:11:00.000-07:00

As I type this, Nick is finding out how he ranks in his department at work. This ranking determines whether he can apply for a promotion. If he doesn't rank in the "right" spot, he can't apply for promotion again for two years.

I'm using all of my What The Bleep strategies in order to create our reality...

The interesting thing is that there are very few pinpoint-able times where our lives have been changed by a precise moment. This could be one of them.

The Irritable Bowel is getting worse.

Technorati Tags : Employment, Career, Career_Change, Promotion

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Human After All

2006-04-01T19:30:00.000-08:00

I'm realizing more and more that I'm losing my perspective. Or perhaps it's not so much that I'm losing it, just that it's skewed.

See, I'm happy for people when good things happen for them, but I get a twinge - just a bite - deep in my gut. It's that thought, "why isn't that happening for us?"

I have a friend who just scored a great job working on a newsletter for a Non-Profit. It's perfect; gold; it even pays! And really, I am oh-so-happy for her. These jobs are hard to come by and as writers we must support one another when these things happen. But, there's that feeling again - "why not me?"

And then the mind fucking begins and the whispering starts.

It's because I suck; because I'm worthless. I can't get through to anyone. No one wants to read what I write. I'm fat.

But it's all so ridiculous because I have so much. I am so blessed. It's this convoluted pattern repeating itself.

Like I said, my perspective seems to be skewed lately.

Here Ya Go, Universe!

2006-03-30T14:12:00.000-08:00

I'm on a mission to find some new work. Yes, I know you say I've been whining about trying to find new work for over a year now, but this time is different. I actually know what it is that I want to do!!

For the longest time (most of my life actually), whenever I've been in the market for new employment, I've just looked for anything. I have a very diverse skill set and really think I could do almost anything.

[Did I ever tell you about when I went to a "job interview" for a Personal Assistant job, and ended up inserting a catheter?! Yeah, I have a diverse skill set AND I have a hard time saying "no."]

It's not that I don't have specific skills or that I'm not employable (in fact, at one point I was able to find THREE jobs in a section of the country with a staggering unemployment rate). It just seems that usually I've been in a bind to find something IMMEDIATELY or I've been in a rural area and there just isn't much available in "my field." Now I haven't done the McDonald's type of jobs, thankfully, but I have worked in a Bingo Hall and I have picked asparagus, although I worked both of these jobs before I was finished with High School.

So anyway, cutting to the chase, I'm looking for some new work, and I want it to be in the writing field. I have been able to pick up some proofreading/re-writing work here and there and that's fine, but I want something where I get paid to write creatively.

There. I put it out there.

Oh, did I mention that I want it soon?

Technorati Tags : Writing, Work_At_Home, Employment, Job_Search

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Hope For The Future

2006-03-27T17:58:00.000-08:00

Today was a beautiful day. It was probably around 50 degrees and sunny. The baby and I went for a hike with our friend A. and her son. I was actually hot while hiking (although I did have a baby on my back). It was amazing to see that although the ground looks dead, the crocuses are coming up and I can see hints of spring. There are buds on the trees and little pieces of grass sprouting.

This put me in the mood to surf the Internet looking at flowers. You see, I can’t really afford to purchase flowers every week, but I like to brighten the day by looking at beautiful bouquets online. Anyway, today I found these beautiful Easter flowers online and I began to feel totally inspired. Easter has always made me think of newness and life. I think of Easter lilies and beginnings.

And I think the point of all this is that I’m seeing all of these starts, and they are really helping me gain some hope for the future. I love Spring.

Technorati Tags : Flowers, Hiking, Weather, Spring, Easter

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Carl Edwards ESPN Cover

2006-03-24T21:10:00.000-08:00

Sheesh, I guess Nascar isn't so lame after all!!

Blog Envy

2006-03-24T13:27:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been consumed by the green monster. No, not the Hulk. We're talking jealousy; envy; one of the seven deadly sins (right?). Yes, I'm afflicted with Blog Envy.

I think the problem stems from the fact that I've just felt so mentally blocked lately. I feel like everything I write is crap, and I really have nothing interesting or witty to say.

So I read these other blogs, and it seems the authors are on fire. There appears to be wit pouring from every page, along with little sarcastic digs and some nice trackbacks. All of their formatting is perfect, and their template stands out like nothing I've ever seen. They seem to understand the "metatag concept" and have traffic flowing like the Mississippi River flows into the Gulf of Mexico. They are Midas. Everything they touch turns to gold.

And though I'm filled with envy, I keep plugging away, hoping one day to become witty again. I don't need gold. Just something interesting to say.

Technorati Tags : Blog, Blogging, Writing, Publishing, Envy

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The Ultimate Non-Couple

2006-03-23T12:58:00.000-08:00

I've been challenged by Gayla to write about non-couples and any experiences I have with them. At first I had no idea what she was talking about, but then I read her post where she mentioned Rachel and Ross from Friends, and I got it. In fact, I immediately thought of Jim and Pam from The Office and started pining away about their romance-that-never-was-OR-could-it-maybe-possibly-still-happen?

But I started digging deeper. You see, most of my romantic relationships started out as "non-couple" relationships. I was that girl in high school who is friends with every guy. In fact, I didn't like most girls because of their associations with cliques and perfect hair and smooth skin. Now I wasn't the "I hate girls so I'm going to go whore off with the guys" type of girl, but I just felt more comfortable with the relatively non-judgemental attitudes of the guys. Trouble was that I was totally naive. I didn't get that most of them were friends with me because they wanted more. As Harry says, "Men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way," and though I don't exclusively subscribe to this idea, I do think that it might have been largely true in high school.

And so somehow in high school and into college, I unwittingly became the other half of the non-couple. People would ask me questions in a subtle manner: "Are you guys dating?" And I would proclaim, "NO! We're JUST FRIENDS!" Meanwhile, the guy would blush and start humming Something To Talk About, while I just stood there, completely unaware.

My final non-couple situation was destined to become an ironic one. I met my husband while I was still in college, and my first thought was, "Wow, finally a guy who doesn't want to get in my pants!" He seemed so sensitive and sweet; so easy to talk to; so honest and kind. We emailed back and forth, I, spilling my deep thoughts about current boyfriends into the emails and, he, apparently pounding his head against the keyboard. We remained a non-couple for several years until, one day, everything changed with a few fateful words on the telephone. And with those words, the suspense was dropped and the non-couple became a couple.

Turned out that he really did want to get in my pants.

Technorati Tags : Relationships, Dating, When_Harry_Met_Sally, Couples, Mate, Non_Couples

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Rough Day

2006-03-21T08:11:00.000-08:00

I'm having a hard day. It has to do with actually facing some of my very real financial fears. I won't get into all the details here, but I'm feeling tired, sad and afraid. I feel like I'm working so hard to get something to work out, but it's all just sitting there, immobilized. I've sent so many emails; so many resumes, and I'm just feeling so worthless today.

Everything is stressful; I'm working hard; nothing is going to pan out; we're all going to DIE!

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What Should I Be When I Grow Up?

2006-03-20T14:18:00.000-08:00

I took a test on Tickle.com in order to figure out what I should do as a career.

When I was just a little girl...

I've done so many different jobs that I was curious to see if it would give me the results I was looking for. Namely, that I should be a writer.

...I asked my mother "what will I be?"

So I answered the five pages of questions with honesty. After all, I wasn't going to be graded!

"Will I be pretty? Will I be smart?" Here's what she said to me:

And at the end of it all, this is what it said: "the right jobs for you would allow you to be Creative and Analytical." Hmmm...what does that mean, exactly?

"Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be. The future's not ours, you see! Que sera, sera!"

So those were not exactly conclusive results, as far as I'm concerned. But at least I wasn't told that I should be a Mathematics teacher or that I should pursue a Hotel Restaurant Management degree.

Changing My Patterns

2006-03-20T12:31:00.000-08:00

Well I've put off writing today because it seems like the only things I have to say are the ones I've already said. I started thinking about the whole thing and realized that I probably just say the same things over and over, but on a cycle. So I start out saying "everything is stressful, but it'll be okay," then I say "everything is stressful; I'm working hard; it should be okay," and I end the cycle by saying, "everything is stressful; I'm working hard; nothing is going to pan out; we're all going to DIE!"

So in thinking about this cycle, I was reminded of this incredible movie that I saw this week. It's called What The Bleep Do We Know!?, and when I saw it, I knew my life had been changed. It basically restated everything that I know to be true and helped put into words all of my ideas. And that evening, after watching the movie, I lay in bed thinking about it, wanting to savor every second of its profundity. My life had been changed; I was going to awake the next morning, exclaiming my intent for the day -- and the pieces would fall into place like Tetris squares. I would break through all of my patterns and change the future of my children's children.

And for about an hour the next day, I did feel very aligned and centered and enlightened. I floated about, focusing on my intent. But then things started to happen. I realized another bill was due. The baby needed lunch. I noticed a cold sore developing on my lip and a random molar felt loose. The downward spiral had begun.

Interestingly enough, I also lost grasp of the movie. Later, when I tried to remember parts of it, I couldn't. It all felt so abstract, and the only thing I could remember was the various "Professors of Quantum Physics" sitting on their chic leather couches. (I wonder how much those cost??!)

And then the usual cycle took root again. It's not even that I got lazy (although maybe I did), it's just that my usual sense of reality felt pretty darn real and I couldn't even begin to think about another reality that could be out there. It became about survival. Just get through this to get to the next thing, which will just need to be gotten through as well. And so on.

So today I am at the "end" of the cycle. I am thinking "everything is stressful; I'm working hard; nothing is going to pan out; we're all going to DIE!" But really, I think I've made some progress. At least I get that it's a cycle. And even though I don't know what to do about it, and it feels uncomfortable and hot and itchy, at least I'm aware.

And I guess that's the point. All it takes is awareness and the rest will figure itself out. But it's waiting for "the rest" to figure itself out that's killing me right now - this limbo; this uncertainty.

But this too shall pass, I suppose. And we'll be back at the beginning again.

Technorati Tags : Quantum_Physics, What_The_Bleep, Finances, Telecommute, Self_Awareness, Tetris

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Random Thought

2006-03-18T13:10:00.000-08:00

If I were one of those people who just like, totally, like, loved their truck, I would, like, soup it all up, you know? And I would totally get cool things like bug shields and those crazy fuzzy dice to hang on the rearview mirror. I'd probably get some great fog lights, a vanity license plate and some other INSANE truck accessories just to completely pimp out the vehicle. And then I'd get all "Fast and Furious" on everyone's ass. Yeah. I'd do it. Seriously.

Problem is that I hate fuzzy dice. And I don't have a truck.

Oh well. There goes that idea.

Technorati Tags : Truck, Truck_Accessories, Fog, Lights, Bug, Shields

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Thorn In Our Sides

2006-03-16T13:36:00.000-08:00

My in-laws are trying to sell their timeshare, and they have enlisted my help as the resident "Internet expert," to help them. Problem is that I really don't know where to go with this. The background is as follows.

We were on a cruise in the Caribbean and one of the stops was in St. Thomas, Virgin Islands. Immediately after purchasing a rather expensive piece of jewelry, they were accosted by a salesperson guaranteeing them various free bottles of alcohol if they came to a "no-pressure" presentation. We all know the rest of the story: the presentation was about purchasing a timeshare. Being in a "vacation" sort of mind-set, they decided "what the heck! throw caution to the wind!" And they forked over $20K for a floating, one-week-long timeshare (*gasp*)! Oh, and I forgot to mention the $1K in maintenance fees that were also included in this Great Deal. But it was a guaranteed vacation! They would force themselves to get away every year!! It was paradise! And oh, the free alcohol they would receive!

And receive it they did. Along with a deed, a mortgage payment and maintenance fees. That night as they told us the news, we were shocked. My in-laws are basically the most reasonable people I have ever known. They don't do anything unless it is practical and logical. The purchase was totally and completely beyond anything they had ever done. And that night they started to realize it - at least my father-in-law did. As my mother-in-law showed off her diamond with a flushed face(remember the expensive piece of jewelry purchased immediately before the timeshare buy?), my father-in-law looked sick. He needed the "free" alcohol just to get through the rest of the vacation.

So now they are stuck with the thing. This fateful cruise happened over three years ago and they've only been back once. But obviously they are still paying maintenance fees. The problem is that not only does one have to pay for food and transportation and entertainment while away, there is also the matter of plane fare to the Virgin Islands. Unfortunately, a nice cottage on Tybee Island or an Orlando vacation home rental would have been far more affordable as far as airfare. Flying from the continental United States to the Virgin Islands can run a person upwards of $500 per person. Adding up the maintenance fees, the transportation once at the resort, the entertainment/food costs, and the plane fare is enough to give a person heart palpitations.

Yeah. They were had. As my husband says, "everyone is allowed at least one big mistake." (Unfortunately, I've had many, but that's another story.)

But going back to the beginning. They want me to help them get rid of the thing. I'm tending to lean towards put it up for bid on Ebay. The only problem is that comparable timeshares are being sold for, at the most, $1K. They would basically only recoup one year's maintenance fee. I've perused such depressing articles as this one at Tug2. I'm just not sure what to do. The reality is that I simply won't be able to sell it for anywhere close to what they paid. They were scammed. And I think they know this, but now I've been put in the position to have to say it out loud. That's a hard thing to do. Especially with in-laws.

So I'm stuck. Any suggestions?

Technorati Tags : Time_Share, Timeshare, Ebay, Real_Estate, Vacation, Cruise

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Bringing More Traffic To Your Blog

2006-03-14T13:53:00.000-08:00

I posted about Blog Explosion awhile back on my other blog, but I wanted to announce that I have been introduced to a new method of promotion. The company is called BlogMad and it's similar to Blog Explosion. Basically you manually surf through other members' blogs in order to get credits towards hits to your own blog(s). The company is still in the beta phase so there are bugs being worked out, but I really like it so far!

Feel free to email me via the link in the sidebar for more information!

Objects In Rearview Mirror...

2006-03-14T13:49:00.000-08:00

I'm still reeling from all of the chaos surrounding this. So I'm feeling a bit numb and unsure of how to continue with any sort of clarity. It's not that I can't embrace change, because I can. Trust me. I'll be the first to embrace change ( just ask my husband). I guess everything just feels so unsettled; like we've moved, but there are still boxes everywhere and we're sleeping a neon green room because we haven't gotten around to painting yet. Do you know what I mean? I guess everything is not as it seems.

Rainbow At Elam Bend

2006-03-13T08:25:00.000-08:00

This picture was sent to me via email. I'm not sure who it was taken by, but it was taken in Mcfall, Missouri on February 2, 2006. It was taken with a Nikon D70 (my dream camera) and I think it's incredible.

Becoming Educated

2006-03-12T18:31:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned here, I've found this great new way to make more money through blogging. The problem is that sometimes they offer some odd items to write about, and I spend a lot of time thinking about how to write about the item in a creative way. On the upside, it does force me to do some research and become more knowledgeable about a wide array of subjects. (Check out this post - it totally took me out of my element, but was interesting to write.)

Recently, one of my open offers included the option to write about office room reception chairs. While I could go on and on about ergonomics and the pros of having a great desk chair, I am not exactly sure what an "office room reception chair" is. So I went to the link and became educated. Apparently an "office room reception chair" is a chair that sits in the reception room of an office. Makes sense, right? But there are apparently many types of reception chairs; more than I ever knew.

The only problem is now that I've searched the Best Furniture Online link, I'm dying to buy a new desk chair! Someone hold me back!

How To Send A Fax In 25 Easy Steps

2006-03-10T13:04:00.000-08:00

Put it off until the last second; hem and haw.
Get motivated and get dressed.
Realize you put the same jeans on as you wore yesterday and decide to avoid having to go out to fax.
Decide to figure out how to fax from your home laptop.
Perform a search for "FAX" under your computer programs; don't find it. Find instead, extensive methods of creating a "computer network."
Feel frustrated and take a break to eat insane amounts of carbs via banana bread.
Get focused again and perform this Blingo search.
Follow the steps to the tee.
Get dialog box that pops up asking you to "insert Microsoft XP Professional Set-Up disc."
Massive search ensues to find elusive disc; find a Sting cd that has been lost for five years; no MS XP disc found.
Eat more banana bread.
Search for cheap wedding favors for friend's wedding.
Decide to search more extensively for MS XP disc.
Finally find it; A Christmas Miracle, indeed.
Insert disc.
Dialog box pops up saying "please select disc drive."
Select disc drive; nothing happens.
Resist urge to crush disc using only your bare hands, using your inhuman, hulk-like strength.
Try again; nothing happens.
Freak out; eat banana bread while simultaneously eyeing Margarita mix in refrigerator; check watch; it's only 11:30am.
Call your mother; rant and rave; realize she just spent the last hour working with Hospice clients; she doesn't care about the fax situation.
Take a deep breath.
Steel your resolve; pack up baby; check and re-check to be sure that you have documents.
Drive to Postnet.
Pay $5 to send fax.

Displaced

2006-03-09T19:13:00.000-08:00

It's been a bit of a crazy day. One of my favorite message boards has closed a forum that I usually frequent. No one really knows why and the whole thing puts us all a bit out of touch. As one member said, we're like survivors of a tornado - all just wandering around in cyber-space cold and tattered and hungry.

There have been so many issues recently with the SEC and Autosurfs in general that I can understand owners of message boards feeling a bit nervous about the continued banter. But the whole situation happened so quickly and with little explanation. I do, however, trust the admin of the board and feel that she really means well. I can only imagine what she's going through right now.

In the meantime, we've created a new forum for Autosurf discussion. The link can be found here. Please join us and spread the word. Let's get the family back together.

Loss of a Legend

2006-03-08T20:02:00.000-08:00

Found out today that Kirby Puckett died yesterday. I'm not a big sports fan, but I was saddened by the news. I grew up, for a time, in Minnesota, and I remember huddling around a small black and white television as Kirby Puckett brought the Minnesota Twins to Championship victory. I remember cheering with my mom and brother when it happened, and I remember feeling a connection with others around the state. I hadn't really felt that before and it felt good. It felt normal.

Read this article from the New York Times.

Technorati Tags : Kirby_Puckett, Baseball, Sports, Glaucoma, Stroke, Minnesota_Twins

Where Gnomes Dwell

2006-03-06T09:19:00.000-08:00

I took this picture at one of our Metro Parks here in Akron, Ohio. I am, by no means a professional photographer, but I do love taking pictures and, once in awhile, I manage to capture something in my photos.

Technorati Tags : Nature_photography, amateur_photography, photo_blog, Nature

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Mind Blowing...er, Mind Controlling

2006-03-04T19:18:00.000-08:00

This completely blows my mind. Read it. We're seriously only years away from time travel.

Technorati Tags : Mind_Control, Paraplegics, Brain_electrodes.

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Maintaining Contact

2006-03-04T13:38:00.000-08:00

I'm not good at "staying in touch." This is something I will admit freely. In nine out of ten cases, I will know people from a particular stage in my life and, when that stage ends, I will swear up and down that we will "stay in touch." And usually we do, for a bit. But then time keeps marching on and I stop returning phone calls; I fade from view.

It's not that I don't want to "stay in touch" or that I don't have the best intentions, because, really, I do. In fact, in the vast majority of cases, I really care about the person and treasure the time I have spent with them. So what is my problem? Well, I have thought about this a bit and have come up with a couple of theories to offer.

One theory involves my perfectionism and obsessive-compulsive nature. See, when I get an email or letter or phone call from a friend, I immediately go into what I call "clever mode." "Clever mode" is my usual witty, sarcastic, fun, caring self. "Clever mode" is great and most people like it, but it also requires a lot of energy from me. I put expectations upon myself to always be witty, sarcastic, fun and caring. If I am feeling depressed or stressed or any combination of the two, my abilities to be witty, sarcastic, fun and caring become severely handicapped. I have a hard time actually communicating with anyone else on an interesting level because I just want to go inward until the other emotions pass. I know that my true friends want to see every side of me and that I am "safe" sharing myself at any point, but I just have such a hard time pushing past my personal expectations.

My other theory involves blaming my childhood and the fact that we moved a lot. Explaining it, in its entirety, would involve many long paragraphs about religion and God and society, and I just don't think I'm up for it right now. Suffice to say that we moved a lot, and I had to leave a lot of people behind in the various chapters of my life. It was easier to just let them go and grasp hold of the present than constantly long for what was. I basically divided my life into separate lives and it simply didn't work to bring people from past lives into my current life.

Of course there have always been exceptions to the rules. I have kept in touch with one or two people from high school and family, of course. But for the most part, for any number of reasons, I've had a difficult time "staying in touch."

I guess at least I'm aware of this possible character flaw and know I need to think about this. And to those of you with whom I've "lost touch," I'm working on it.

Technorati Tags : Communication, Perfectionism, Self_Awareness

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Margaritaville

2006-03-03T12:57:00.000-08:00

We've decided to have a Margarita (WITH salt, on the ROCKS) and Burrito night tonight. We've had company all week and have a sick baby now. We've earned it.

More from me after I scrape myself off the ground.

Technorati Tags : Margarita, Burrito, Mexican_food

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Making More Money With Blogging

2006-03-02T18:44:00.000-08:00

Well apparently I'm going through a bit of a boring phase as far as posting goes. We have family here right now, and I've just been focusing on maintaining an even flow.

Just wanted to take a minute, however, to tell my fellow bloggers about a great new way to make money blogging. The company is called Blogitive...you apply online at Blogitive and within minutes (at least for me), they will get back to you with an answer of whether your blog was approved or not. Once it is approved, you go into your account and you will see "Open Offers." Go to that tab and you will see several links for different companies. You have to use those links to write a post in your blog - when you do that, you will get credited into your Blogitive account with the payout that was indicated. It sounds complicated but I've used links already and have been credited! You get paid weekly into your Paypal account! Give it a try.

Hopefully I'll be back to my usual witty self soon!

Technorati Tags : Make_Money_Blogging, Blogitive, Blogs

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Short Dissertation on the Annoyances of Online Money Processors

2006-03-01T15:26:00.000-08:00

It used to be that I only used Paypal. It is the tried and true giant in the online money processing industry (which, admittedly, has pros and cons), and hadn't given me any real problems.

Then I signed up with Stormpay so that I could take part in some Autosurfs and HYIPs. Shortly after that, the Stormpay fiasco struck and we were all left out in the cold - naked and confused.

After that, several others moved into the spotlight. Two of those were EMO and Alertpay, both of which I signed up with. Both of which have a long, drawn-out system of "verification," including sending personal information such as copies of credit cards and driver's licenses and pictures of you in a zebra costume with your third grade teacher. I understand the need to "verify" each person, but it's also an uncomfortable feeling knowing that anything that can identify you is being held by a random Internet company, and, in theory, could be used at will against you.

Also popular is Egold, a money processor based on the value of gold. This processor is popular because there is no means by which to do "chargebacks." The general feeling is that chargebacks can lead to the death of a program because accounts can be frozen and therefore, payments can't be made. My opinion, however, is that Egold is completely complex - I personally don't understand how to fund your account. Apparently you have to buy gold bars or something to that effect and you work with values of metal, etc. Very complicated.

So now we're back to the old standard - Paypal. After all the drama, we're all clamoring for programs that accept and are verified by Paypal. Seems like we've come full circle.

I guess only time will tell how we'll evolve from here. Personally, I think we should go back to the bartering system. I'll give you three chickens for two wool blankets!

Technorati Tags : Paypal, Stormpay, Egold, EMO, Alertpay, Money_Processors

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Here's To You, New Orleans

2006-02-28T18:57:00.000-08:00

It's Fat Tuesday; Mardi Gras. I'm doing basically nothing for the occasion, but the people in New Orleans are on my mind. Other than the obvious immediate aftermath of Hurricane Katrina and a few spatterings of news here and there, I haven't really followed the politics of it all. I'm aware of some controversy surrounding almost every part of the time prior to, during, and post the Hurricane. I know some people died, many people were displaced, and all-in-all, the event was disastrous. I did my part, donated to the Red Cross and dutifully sent out good energy to those ravaged part of our country.

But here we are on the city's big day - Mardi Gras - and I wonder how they're all hanging in there. I understand that the French Quarter was largely unaffected, but that speaks nothing to the high volumes of people (every person in New Orleans, I'm sure) who were were definitely affected.

There is one thing I've gathered about this city though: they are a city of survivors. And they survive with flair. These are not people who just eek by, hoping to "get through"; these are people who put soul into living. They survive through their music and their food; their religion and their philosophy. Come to think of it, they don't just "survive," they live, and they do it with passion. The thing is that despite it all, they'll get through.

So Happy Mardi Gras, New Orleans. You're on my mind; and I thank you for your example.

Technorati Tags : New_Orleans, Fat_Tuesday, Hurricane_Katrina, Mardi_Gras, Survival

Actual Conversation Had With My Mother

2006-02-26T08:36:00.000-08:00

"Why am I suddenly getting pornography in my email?"

"You're getting pornography??!"

"Well it's from 'dating singles' and if you could see the way this woman is looking at me...."

"Oh my gosh, mom, I thought you meant there was suddenly a giant penis on your screen! That's pornography."

"Oh my. Now I think that would be more than I could handle."

Technorati Tags : Dating_Singles, Spam_Mail, Mom

Steeling My Resolve

2006-02-25T18:37:00.000-08:00

I think I'm forever at some sort of limbo spot. I've posted about this before so it may seem redundant to those who have been reading along (basically to you, mom), but it's worth reiteration.

The thing that I've started to notice about "limbo" though, is that it feels an awful lot like real life. I mean, maybe "limbo" is just everyday, normal life. We escalate; we plateau; we descend...and start all over again. We feel like nothing is really ever getting resolved, but maybe it's all just baby steps. Maybe it's all just cyclical.

I've been looking for a work-at-home position for over a year and a half now and have tried a lot of things. At times, I feel like I'm desperate enough to do anything, but when I get into the midst of each of those things (ie. telemarketing, waitressing), I realize how dreadful they are. Not only that, but I've started to realize that I deserve better; my talents deserve better, and I really owe it to myself to do what makes me happy.

But there's still this constant struggle. Usually I think the reality is that we need the money and my writing just "ain't gonna cut it" right now. At those times, I get really interested in those shows on the Discovery channel about fishing for Alaskan King Crab Legs (do you realize how much those people make??!), and I start to steer myself down the spiral. But sometimes, I remember that there are people who do "cut it" on doing what they love (and those aren't just those crazy bookkeeper-type people who actually *love* figures and math). There are people truly doing what they love and getting paid to do it. I think I deserve to be one of those people.

So for tonight, I'm content to not mind-fuck. I'm going to buck up and think positively. Somewhere, someone is looking for what I have to offer. I won't think about impending bills and finding the money to pay them. We will make it.

But check in next week. As I said, this appears to be a cyclical ride.

Technorati Tags : Work_at_home, Writing, Job, Telemarketing

Take Me Back

2006-02-23T14:09:00.000-08:00

Remember how I was talking about interesting it is that one little thing can just take you back ? The other day I noticed an Internet friend's avatar was of someone scuba diving. Suddenly a rush of memories came back; some nostalgic, but mostly just empathetic.

When I was beginning high school, I had just switched schools and was a new kid, once again. It was very difficult for me. I had strange clothes, spoke a strange language and was all-around, not average. And what a ninth-grader needs most is to be average; to blend; to fit in. I think I was smart enough to realize that I just wasn't going to "blend," therefore, I had to figure out ways to explain my uniqueness. The ironic thing about high school is that, for the most part, a kid just wants to be the same as all the others, but if they are unique, they can only be unique in an acceptable way. "Strange" methods of being unique, just didn't work. So if one HAD to be unique, they must choose "normal" ways to do so.

Unfortunately for me, what made me unique, was not acceptable. I had recently moved from a commune, my parents were still relatively strict Catholic (to the point where I wasn't allowed to wear jeans to school during the first year of high school), and I had no idea what a "boner" was. So instead of being allowed to tell the truth, I made up ways to explain myself.

One such way came to me when I found a silver necklace lying on the ground one day. It was a man's necklace; thick chain and large medallion. On the medallion was an engraving of a scuba diver. For some reason, this struck me as interesting and I began wearing it. People started asking about it. Eventually I became a learned scuba diver, versed in the nuances of the bends , knowledgeable about the best reefs and places to dive - all of course, in my mind. I created a whole separate person who was a schooled scuba diver, even though, at that point, I had only been to the ocean once and had barely stuck a toe in because it was such a cold day.

Finally, when the chain started to turn my neck green, I took the necklace off and hoped people would stop asking about it. I had grown tired of making up facts of interest, although luckily no one knew if I was right or not since I lived in a small farm town in Minnesota. I tried to just be myself. The problem was that I was losing grip on who that was - or not sure if I ever knew who that was. The necklace, at least, gave me an identity that was tangible. I was the Great Scuba Diver. Much better than just another Lonely Scared Girl.

So I guess when I think about that necklace, I feel nostalgia and empathy because I remember, but it's as though I am a whole separate person doing the remembering. I feel empathy for that Lonely Scared Girl. I know how she felt, grasping for something to make her someone, but at the same time, I can see how she came out of it.

I can see how she's making peace with her own "strange" uniqueness.

Technorati Tags : High, School, Girls, Scuba, Diving, New, Kid

Listening To:

2006-02-22T13:28:00.000-08:00

Bob Dylan - Love Sick.mp3

James Blunt - Goodbye my Lover.mp3

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Construction Continues

2006-02-21T13:10:00.000-08:00

I'm attempting to work with a new blog editor in order to bring more traffic to the site. It's called Qumana Blog Editor and should hopefully help me create Technorati tags and insert specific advertisements. I'm not sure how it's going to work, but I'm going to post a bit at a time and use this blog as my "experiment blog." Hang in there with me.

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Greatest Quote EVER

2006-02-20T13:18:00.000-08:00

(Thanks, Nick!)

Mercury Retrograde

2006-02-20T13:02:00.000-08:00

I'm blaming everything on this for the next couple of weeks.

From Astrology Weekly:

Mercury retrograde

from March 2 to March 25, 2006

Here we go again... Mercury goes retrograde once again. It happens 3 times a year and it lasts for about 3 weeks. This time is from March 2 to March 25, 2006. Next time, from July 5 to July 28, 2006. Then, from October 29 - November 17, 2006.

This is an important period, and we should be aware of the effects associated with this astrological influence. Since it is so often, we must learn what it means and how to take advantage of it.

Astronomical background

There is no real backwards movement of Mercury; it's just that we see it this way from Earth, because of the combined movement of the Earth and Mercury around the Sun. However, astrologically this is very relevant.

General influence of Mercury retrograde

Mercury rules over the mind's processes, studying, communication, businesses, travels and the like. When Mercury reverses its direction, all these areas are affected as well.

The mind turns naturally inwards and people tend to analyze more the own thoughts and follow the common thinking patterns, rather then be curious and eager of new intellectual experiences or challenges. This helps the meditation or the thorough lonely long-term study of a specific matter, but it affects the study of new subjects, the communication with the others, the attention oriented outwards.

Businesses, travels and communications tend to experience delays and different problems. Computers and other processes that work with information may experience crashes, unexpected failures.

Don't enroll to courses, don't buy expensive Mercurian items (books, cars, mobile phones etc.), don't sign important contracts and do not marry.

What is this Mercury retrograde period good for?

It is definitely a very good period for some actions. No time is completely bad for anything, there is a reason in everything happens.

The key is the reversed direction of movement: take any known Mercurian action, reverse its flow, consider the keywords "re-doing something", "double-checking", "finish the old projects" and there you are, you've found the good side of Mercury retrograde.

For instance, you may want to read again a book you particularly liked, a subject you studied before, meet and discuss with old friends you haven't met for a long time, travel to places you've already been to before.

This is an excellent time to work on old projects that never got to be finished. So, think about the things you started and never finalized.

Next, you might wish to prevent any bad things to happen to you: so double-check your agenda, call your business partners to confirm that everything goes as planned, have everything ready before the deadline and leave some extra time for unexpected events. Make copies of your important files and documents, save your work more often.

The other solution is to go on vacation or at least slow down the pace of your projects. You will find that going slowly during the Mercury retrograde period will spare you many efforts of redoing the same action that wasn't performed right the first time.

Above all, be generous and compassionate: you are already aware about the influence of this period, but the others aren't aware of it or there may be uncontrollable events. That's why you should have more diligence with the others and give them some more time. It'll be your mental health that you'll be sparing actually.

Various and Sundry

2006-02-19T18:50:00.000-08:00

Well the construction is not complete, but it will have to be a work in progress for awhile. I had a fun profile set up with a scrolling marquee (that only took about five hours to figure out), but I decided that it didn't really fit the site. (Plus Nick commented that it sort of looked like it was there only because I had just figured out how to do it - talk about hitting the nail on the head, eh?) I don't know the first thing about html or css so I'm doing this completely in the dark. But I gave birth so I'm hoping I can figure this out too...or maybe that's twisted logic.

Anyway, I've been reading a lot of other people's blogs and really enjoying them. It's amazing how diverse the subject matter is and how varied the writing styles are. Everything from God to financials to divorce to politics. Problem is that I've looked at so many blogs that I now dream about them. I dream about the templates and the mastheads and the subject matter and the profiles. My dreams are getting all twisted up into my "real" life and it's becoming very confusing and scattered. These "fake" people are entwined into my "real" life. It makes for a restless night's sleep. I suppose I should break from the Internet at least an hour before bed every night, but I'm afraid I'm addicted - which is another post for another night.

All right, off to my butter pecan ice cream with caramel sauce.

Construction

2006-02-18T14:59:00.000-08:00

I'm attempting to do some work on the site to give it a little more personality. If meteors fly out at you and things dance across the screen, you've been warned.

Still Thinking

2006-02-17T17:57:00.000-08:00

Regarding this post ...I finally posted on the Dove Self-Esteem Forum. (I know that's nearing pathetic, but I couldn't help myself after watching the commercial over and over. I now use it as a catharsis when I need to release.) Anyway, here's what I posted:

Not sure what it is about this commercial...but I've watched it about 100 times and I still cry every time.

I think it really speaks to me of my insecurities as a woman, but also of how ridiculous those insecurities are - especially when I look over at my beautiful, perfect daughter. I'm so sad that she's growing up in a world that asks so much of girls; for them to want something that is always different than their own beauty.

Yet, I'm so thankful that she (my daughter) IS my daughter because in so many ways, her beauty has taught me so much about my own.

Thanks for this commercial. I'll be sad when you take it off the site. I watch it almost daily.

Speaking of Which.........

2006-02-17T07:55:00.000-08:00

Big Bird needs to totally kick these guys in the you-know-where. And their direction-giving capabilities leave something to be desired.

I Heart Wit

2006-02-15T11:51:00.000-08:00

Compliments of A Softer World:

February Sucks

2006-02-13T08:07:00.000-08:00

It's February. I could do without February, to tell you the truth. With the exception of my husband's birthday, there's nothing much that's good about the month.

It's that time of the year that is gray and cold and winter has run its course, but doesn't know it yet. The ground starts to poke through the snow but rather than bring cheer, it simply becomes a welcome place for dogs to shit. The sun tries to shine through, but just succeeds in providing a hazy light to the day. And it's still cold.

I haven't left the house in a week. I'm afraid my perspective is getting warped.

92% Of All Girls Hate Some Part of Their Bodies

2006-02-07T17:48:00.000-08:00

I watched this eight times today. Talk about an emotional release. It's unsettling, but thought-provoking. Sad, but happy, and all too real. How does it make you feel?

Dove Self-Esteem Fund Commercial

Pity Party Stopped Short

2006-02-07T17:28:00.000-08:00

This morning I woke up to a blanket of snow on the ground. Well actually, it wasn't so much a blanket as one of those hole-y afghans crotcheted by your grandmother that are supposed to be warm and snuggly but are really quite inefficient when they come to providing warmth. So what I'm trying to say is that it snowed, but only mildly so; just enough to kick my morale down a few more notches. The problem was that it kept snowing throughout the day. Not enough to really make a difference, but enough to make it look really cold and gray outside. Enough to make a person want to keep their pajamas on all day and eat only homemade popcorn while watching The Sound of Music over and over.

But I have a child and they don't quite understand the concept of "wallowing." Point out the snow falling and they try to catch it. Show them a cold window and they stick their tongue against it. Start whining to them and they crinkle their nose up and "oink." Everything is an exploration for a child. Nothing is very serious. And almost any calamity can be resolved with a few tears and the presentation of a new item to discover. Amazing little creatures aren't they?

So though the snow kept falling and the temperature dropping, I wasn't able to wallow for too long. There were toys to look at and glorious tasks to do - such as stacking blocks and practicing walking. BUT I did get to stay in my pajamas all day!

The Search Continues

2006-02-06T13:22:00.000-08:00

*sigh*

Over a year and a half later, the search continues for a work-at-home position. Here's the short list of things I have tried:

Freelance writing - Let me just specify that it was TECHNICAL writing which, in my mind, is basically equal to getting a root canal or having your bikini zone waxed. Mundane, tedious and you feel the mind-numbing effects for days afterwards
Waitress at an Asian restaurant - AKA. my gig as an actress. This "experience" lasted for about three hours and was the same as being thrust into an acting role in an all Chinese-speaking play. I have a vague recollection of being introduced to the difference between various steaming sauces boiling in their own vats. And of being leared at by the "fry cook."
Telemarketing - Call it what you will (the company says "customer service rep" and I tried to buy that), but it was definitely telemarketing. Though I was supposedly calling current subscribers of particular periodicals, they certainly weren't happy to hear from me and I DEFINITELY wasn't happy to be talking to them. Yes, I became one of "them" for a few short weeks in which I made a whopping total of $277. I quit when I realized that my soul was worth more if I was going to be selling it to the devil. Yes, it was that bad.
Investor - Ah, the money you will make! The financial freedom! The diapers you can buy! The food you will eat! The large-screen televisions you will purchase! The credit cards that will be paid! Or not. Yeah, this "position" is a bit volatile. Not to say that it doesn't have it's upsides (I did profit, believe it or not), but I'm not sure it's what you can put all your hopes and dreams into. Seems that balance really is a critical thing.

So therein lies the short list. And this doesn't even include all of my near-misses (ie. personal assistant to a real estate investor, greeting card writer/editor). In retrospect, I'm glad I did these things though (except the telemarketing - I could have done without that), because they helped me to realize what I DON'T want to do. And I think I'm starting to realize that maybe that's what I'm here to figure out. That way, in the next lifetime, I'll be all set.

Right?

MIA

2006-01-31T13:09:00.000-08:00

Sorry I've been missing for a bit. I've been caught up in the crazy, whirl-wind world of HYIPs and autosurfs . I'm back now after a full-scale hacking that took down a large majority of HYIPs, and, in the meantime, managed to destroy my hope in a secure financial future. Yes, it was that bad.

I had money growing in these investments that had HUGE potential to change our financial outlook. Unfortunately, much of it was lost. Fortunately, however, I was smart enough to play with profits only and did not lose any of our own money (which is not to say that the money lost wouldn't have been extremely helpful).

So the hacker basically applied the equivalent of a swift kick in the crotch to my attitude right now. This is perhaps good though. I am working on refocusing towards more consistent, steady ways to grow our income. Autosurfs aren't so bad and definitely have more long-term potential. And I'm still always looking for that ideal work-at-home job. *Sigh*

The problem is that things are getting desperate. I've thrown this out into the universe time after time, but here goes again: We need more money! We need financial freedom! Please supply us with a way!!

*Putting nose back to the grindstone*

Verklempt

2006-01-17T14:26:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted for a few days and it's mostly because I've just been feeling "off." I'm not exactly sure what it's about. Money is really, really, really tight and the baby is teething; we're not sleeping well and these are gray, gray days. I guess it could be any of those things or just the whole ball'o'wax. (I really should keep track of these days to see if it aligns with any sort of hormonal shift.)

Money has always been tight, probably always will be. That's just how it is. I'm thinking of putting all the bills in a hat and just picking a few out to pay each month...or maybe not. The point is, money is just money and I need to just deal with these swings. So I don't know if that, in and of itself, is the real problem.

And the baby is amazing and wonderful, but today we just didn't get along. I needed some time for myself and she needed to be with me. Such are the joys of motherhood, I suppose. One is never really "by themselves." And really, in the long run, that's not a big deal. In fact, I love that in many ways.

But today was a gray, blustery, rainy Seattle sort of day. It was the sort of day that spawns all of those depressing Radiohead or The Cure songs. The windows shook all day and rain came down. And we were stuck inside. I clenched my teeth most of the day.

Reality is, this is probably all PMS related. But so what? I'm just feeling "off."

Lost (and found)

2006-01-09T13:14:00.000-08:00

We've gotten hooked on the television series Lost. I'm not sure how it happened. One day it was mentioned; we watched a preview and decided to give it a go. Somehow we ended up watching 24 hours of the show (within a three day time span) because the first season had just come out on dvd. We didn't change out of our pajamas for the whole stretch and sustained ourselves with hotpockets and droplets of condensation we collected off the leaves of a tropical plant...oh wait, that was in the show...nevermind that last part...

After finishing the 24th episode, we looked at each other and said "where the hell are we going to find the second season??" I posted on several message boards looking for someone (anyone!) who had taped the second season, but much to my chagrin, no one had (or didn't want to share).

Finally, after a series of maneuvers that my brother assures me are legal, we obtained the first seven episodes of the second season. So far we've watched the first four of these, but I'm worried about when we're done watching these. Trouble is, in order to get caught up we have to find episodes eight and nine. I'm not sure how to do this and even if we do, what about when we do catch up and have to wait a week (or more) in between episodes!!??

I'm jones-ing already...

Things You Never Knew And Probably Don't Care To Know...

2006-01-07T09:44:00.000-08:00

(In no particular order...)

I like A LOT of cream in my coffee. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but it's true. Sometimes, when people are watching, I'll just put a little bit in there, but when they look away, I add more.
I could eat freshly popped popcorn every night and never get sick of it.
My hands and feet are always cold.
I sang solos in Choir in high school. I even won awards!
I like having some time to myself.
I LOVE the movie OfficeSpace.
I cry every single time I watch Westside Story and Beaches.
I've never seen Caddyshack.
I really like that Shakira song Whenever, Wherever.
I LOVE black olives.
The only thing I really craved when pregnant was ice tea with lemon.
I am an Internet addict.
My child will never leave the house wearing sweatpants.
I use Aveda brand shampoo.
I LOVE cheese.
I get weirdly emotional when listening to Aaron Neville.
I've had four different people try to teach me how to drive a stick-shift.
I would buy my childhood home if it went up for sale.
I dislike talking on the phone (with a few exceptions).
I am hooked on the television show Lost.
I watched Beauty and the Beast for two days straight over Christmas vacation when I was 16 years old.
I wish my stomach was flatter.
Fall is my favorite season.
I still feel guilty for hiding from my mom when she was looking for me after I "ran away from home" when I was in high school. (I feel more guilty now that I've had a child.)
I'm afraid of heights.

Thanks To Totino's

2006-01-05T09:32:00.000-08:00

You know how certain smells or foods or sounds can bring you back to a whole other place? Like for some, when they hear Aaron Neville, they get all emotional just thinking about their first school dance and all the boys on one side of the room and the girls on the other and the sad disco ball hanging from the middle of the ceiling, seeing no action? Or for others, when they smell mildew mixed with decaying wood, they think of the basement in their childhood home and all of the "science experiments" that went on there, including, but not limited to, the incident where their brother almost spontaneously combusted? Yeah, you know what I mean.

For me, it's those little pizza roll-ups that bring everything back.

I was 19 years old and had just left the wrong college in the midst of a probable nervous breakdown. I had been imaging nuns stalking me and had university security guards attempting to climb in my dorm windows in an effort to declare their undying love. It was not a good time. And so I had made the life-changing (courageous) decision to leave that school. My parents, amazingly, supported me and only wanted me to be well. (I will always, always be thankful to them for this.) I also made the decision that I would Greyhound it to Washington state where I had a hippie cousin who would take me in and "show me the ropes." I just needed a change of pace. I needed something to take my mind off things.

First I went back home; it was that time after Christmas when everything feels really cold and bare and picked-over. My mother, knowing the insurance-related implications of me leaving college, insisted that I should have my wisdom teeth removed. I remember counting to eight and then waking up, feeling very groggy. The rest of the time, I just remember extreme pain and misery, accompanied by a constant, continuous bloody taste in my mouth. Everything was wrong. But for some reason, my mother decided to make those pizza roll-ups. We never had these sorts of things so there was much commotion about the treat. I remember trying to eat one and immediately spitting it out. It was too hot and tasted of blood and cotton balls. I would be forever destined to think of pizza roll-ups in a new way. I now thought of them much in the way my mother thought of Chow Mein; immediately after eating Chow Mein with those weird little fake noodle-y things on top, she was rushed to the hospital in order to have her appendix removed. Chow Mein would become a symbol of emergency and illness...and so would those pizza roll-ups.

In many ways, my life can be viewed as "pre-pizza roll-ups" and "post-pizza roll-ups". It was post-pizza roll-ups that everything changed. My mouth healed from the trauma of surgery and I began my Greyhound trip out west. There are many stories from that trip that are better saved for another day. I spent a lot of time staring out windows and sitting in dirty bus aisles and writing terrible, terrible poetry. But the fact is - that is when change was truly prompted; when my LIVING really began. I took a risk, accepted a challenge and was forced to be alone with myself. It's not that everything was wonderful and beautiful then -- it's that everything was dirty and grubby and unkempt -- great conditions for becoming.

And so, when I think of those pizza roll-ups (and I really do think of them from time to time), I tend to think of them as a milestone. They mark an end and a beginning.

Wow! Little did Totino's know when they packaged them!

Christmas Miracle

2006-01-03T10:31:00.000-08:00

If you've been reading along, you've probably read this post wherein I lamented transitioning my daughter from our cozy cosleeping situation to the cold reality of her crib in her own bedroom. Well Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm here to announce a miracle! A Christmas Miracle!!

She has slept in her own room for three nights in a row now! Not only that, but one of those nights, she SLEPT ALL THE WAY THROUGH WITHOUT A PEEP!!!

Amazingly, the transition has not been as difficult as we thought it might be. We envisioned hours and hours of screaming, accompanied with brief fainting spells and hyperventilation - and that was only from us. We couldn't even imagine how the baby would react. But somehow we've gotten through without any real hoopla.

Sure, there've been a few episodes of crying, but none longer than 7 minutes (yes - we timed it). And though those 7 minutes were excruciating, we got through and she got through and now she's sleeping more sound than she ever has in her life. I firmly believe that now, upon finding herself in her crib, she sighs a little sigh, cries a little cry, but then thinks "FINALLY! PEACE AND QUIET!!"

On the other hand, we have not slept so well. We are still adjusting to not having an extra someone in the bed with us. It's weird not waking up with bruises and cuts and scrapes - received when that extra someone sits up and then flops back down on your head or neck or arm. And it's strangely quiet in the room. We both lie there holding our collective breath, listening to the cat's jingly collar and the refrigerator hum. Upon finally falling asleep, we wake at 4:00am with a start, realizing that we have not heard from the baby in 7 hours. Immediately, we assume she is somehow lodged between the crib rails, gasping for her last breath. We silently try to calm each other's fears, knowing that soon enough, she'll wake up and then it'll be morning and we'll wonder why we're so tired. This part will get better, I trust. In the meantime, maybe hard alcohol before bed will help.

But it seems true that the best things you can give your kid are roots and wings. Cliche' as it sounds, I have to begrudgingly admit that boundaries are important and that, when given proper ones, children will embrace them. Wow - my mother was right again!

Crap Day

2005-12-29T11:50:00.000-08:00

I almost killed someone today.

The story story starts with my Norton Internet Security subscription expiring. I usually take a laissez-faire attitude with these things, but I've been doing more surfing than usual and I feel as though the necessary precautions should be taken. So I found myself standing in line to purchase NIS '06 at CompUSA at approximately 9:02 pm last night. This is signifant because the store actually closes at 9:00pm and, at the time, I thought it was a stroke of luck that I had managed to sneak in the doors. I purchased the item, brought it home but found that it wouldn't load on my computer. All of us have dealt with computer glitches before and, even if they are minor, they are enough to turn your skin inside out. So after messing with the software, growing ever more insane, I decided to try an exchange the next day. Fast forward to today...

I found myself back in CompUSA, approximately 15 hours after the initial purchase, waiting in the 3-mile long line at "customer service." Notice the term "customer service" is being used loosely here because those in the line felt less like customers and more like cattle being led to their deaths. The "service" portion of the term also leaves much to be desired because what we were receiving was less like service and more like a dissertation on how busy the ONE harried fellow behind the counter was. Each "customer" who reached the front of the line was offered a 10 minute discussion on how busy the store was and how many returns were being made and how many breaks the representative had missed. After staring at the back of the lady in front of me for 20 minutes, I started to get antsy. Sighing loudly didn't seem to get us anywhere so I resolved myself to gritting my teeth and rubbing my fingers together...my usual "defense mechanism" tics.

Finally, it was my turn to be "serviced", but alas! What was this that was happening???! Could it be possible that a random lady would actually cut in line??! I had seen her breeze through the doors, eye the long line and I had been skeptical of her motives, but never in a million years did I think she had the chutzpah to actually CUT! And IN FRONT OF ME!!??? But yet, here it was - actually happening before my very eyes. Before I could even say anything she had pulled her receipt out and was belaboring, point-by-point, the return policy. The "customer service representative" gave me a helpless, meek look and a sad little shrug as if to say "sorry, but no harm done, right?"

But oh yes, my friends, harm was done! I felt myself sway into a dreamlike state, a fog came over my eyes, my teeth clenched. I saw myself reaching into the woman's back, past her spine, expertly bypassing the entire respiratory cavity, until finally reaching the desired object - her heart. I wrapped my fingers around it and....suddenly I woke up, disturbed by my vision; feeling a bit upset by it. (I'm all about karma and love and meditation..)

I was able to clear the fog from my mind and shot daggers into the woman's back as she walked away - may she be cursed with a thousand little chin hairs for the rest of her life!

And all I could think is that she's lucky I'm a peace-loving person!

---------------------------------------------------

As an aside, I did exchange the NIS '06 for a new one, but of course, due to some snafu, it won't load either, so now I have to go back to CompUSA - probably for a copy of McAfee this time. Oh Lord, give me strength...

Transitioning

2005-12-26T13:17:00.000-08:00

The other day I was making baklava with my friend, Sarah and, as we melted THREE sticks of butter, she commented that when she eats food with that much butter her heart actually starts to hurt. Though it was funny, I totally understood what she meant. It's that ache in your chest cavity that sort of sits like lead. Yes, it comes from eating too much butter, but it comes from other things as well.

On that note, parenting sucks sometimes. I always knew I would be a mother. I just didn't think very much about the parenting aspect. I guess I had those skewed visions of making snow angels and giggling over butterfly kisses. Never once did I think my child would get into the cat's litterboxes or scream persistently from between the bars of her crib while shooting me accusing looks. Whether it was because I was naive or because no one tells you about these times, I just didn't think of them.

So we're trying to transition my little spit-fire into her crib. She's been cosleeping since the day (the second!) she was born. I admit, the switch from sleeping warmly nestled between your parents to alone in a jail cell, er, crib, seems like a wave of brutal reality hitting you in the groin. But the thing is that she doesn't really sleep nestled warmly. She kind of flops and turns and ends up sleeping with her head on my chest and her legs on his head. None of us are sleeping well. It's really time for her to move.

Admittedly, we don't really know the first thing about the logistics of how this should work. We know all the schools of thought from Pantley to Ferber. I have to say we tend to be much more on the Pantley side of things. We tried the "cry-it-out" method once and I developed a severe case of hives while listening to my baby scream as though she was being dis-emboweled. This caused me to determine that perhaps it just wasn't for us. In fact, I still think of that horrendous day and shudder. So we're kind of out in the cold. We tried one night with her in the crib which resulted in me seeing every hour turn over on the clock. Can't say we slept better that night.

And so we're at a loss. It's true, something needs to be done. The problem is that it requires parenting of the sort for which I am not prepared. I'm all about snow angels and butterfly kisses but I'm not sure what to do with this hardcore stuff. Maybe I can hire someone...

Any ideas?

Speaking From Experience

2005-12-26T10:46:00.000-08:00

A Nice Christmas Present:

A So-So Christmas Present:

A Not-So-Great Christmas Present:

But it's the thought that counts...

Baby, It's Cold Inside

2005-12-23T12:50:00.000-08:00

My husband and I are of two different mindsets when it comes to the ideal inside temperature of our home. He feels that as long as we can't see our breath in the air, it's an acceptable temperature. I, on the other hand, would like to be able to feel my fingers and toes while sitting at my desk, and would like the baby to not have to wear mittens to bed.

His theory is that if we lower the temperature on the thermostat at night by about 10 degrees, we will save a large percentage on our heating bills. I have no problem with this theory and, in fact, support it wholly. My problem is that recently, when he turns the heat back up in the morning, he has actually been decreasing the usual daytime temperature in two degree increments. Let me expound.

Our usual daytime temperature was set at about 70-72 degrees. Around Tuesday of last week, I noticed that the temperature was set at 70. Okay, fine, no big deal, right? (Stick with me here...) Then on Thursday, I noticed that the temperature was at 67. A wee bit chilly for my taste. So I took the liberty of turning the thermostat up a bit. That evening, as we were preparing to don our parkas and snowpants for the night's sleep, he noted that the temperature on the thermostat had been moved. "Yeah, what of it?!" I retorted. 'Nuff said. Since then, however, it seems colder and colder in the house (though no one has spoken of the temperature drop, except wordlessly, when I put my dead, frost-bitten feet on his legs at night). The last time I looked at the thermostat, I had to scrape the ice off of it in order to see the temperature, but I didn't dare change the setting, choosing instead, to turn up the setting on the heating pad.

Today though, for some reason, the silence was broken when he suddenly exclaimed, "See, it's not too bad in here, is it? 58 isn't too cold! We've all gotten used to it!" Unfortunately for him, he received his answer when he looked over and saw his wife and child sawing off pieces of the Christmas Tree to burn for warmth. Yes dear, 58 IS too cold.

The Itch That Won't Go Away...

2005-12-22T12:30:00.000-08:00

I had this whole thing planned that I was going to write. It was going to be about Solstice yesterday and the magical evening I spent sledding down a big hill in the moonlight with a random person, a friend, and a very good friend.

Unfortunately, however, the cat keeps licking herself and it's making me insane and I MUST write about that instead. The story is that after the baby was born, Lucy (the cat), developed some sort of dermatitis. Apparently she is allergic to something in the house (probably the baby). We have given her all sorts of organic foods and bottled Evian, but it just doesn't help and the only thing that does is a Cortisone shot every two months.

So the problem is that we're approaching the third month here. We just haven't had the time nor the funds to get her the shot and it's becoming more and more apparent that she's suffering increasingly every day. Now I've been itchy myself and certainly feel for her, but there is no sound like the one of a cat licking the same spot over and over and over and over. The only sound worse is the sound of her licking her own ass over and over and over. (Thank god, the itch is not near THAT part.) The sound actually causes a physical reaction in my body and I develop my own sort of tic. My heart fills with a red rage and I just want to throw things at her. Alas, even that does not help. She tends to glance at the offending item and swiftly run back into her corner to begin licking again. Obviously it's time to get her shot again and we must find a way, even if I have to sell fruit on streetcorners to get the necessary funds.

In the meantime, however, I slowly go insane with annoyance.

Wrestling With Demons

2005-12-21T08:48:00.000-08:00

I've having a rough couple of days. I'm not sure if it's the cold, or the amount of things to do, or the ever-growing pile of bills that need to be paid. I'm just feeling overwhelmed and that, coupled with lack of sleep, is making me itchy and annoyed.

I'll try to do more later...

Bad Mama Blues

2005-12-20T07:45:00.000-08:00

I'm familiar with guilt. I grew up in a pretty strict Catholic [mobile] home and was there when they doled out everyone's share. But no one told me, and I wasn't aware, that when I had my child, I would be handed out a whole other share of it. I guess maybe it's something "they" don't talk about or maybe other people don't feel it as much because they were not raised in Nazi-regime Catholicism. Either way, I just wasn't aware that it would be hitting me the second she shot out the chute.

I remember in the beginning it was always guilt about not enjoying getting up in the night seventeen times. Or about the fact that nursing hurt and I was not the picture-perfect woman in the whispery-white negligee feeding her child in the moonlight (rather, I would cry and tense up and crouch in a corner praying to the goddess of nipples to make the pain go away).

Now it's more about interaction. I feel as though we should have a schedule for everything:

7:30am - wake
7:35am - describe the morning light as it shines into the room and get her opinion on it
7:40am - get self bathed and dressed, get baby bathed and dressed
7:50am - have organic breakfast prepared for self and baby, have organic, free-trade, half-decaf coffee brewing
8:00am - feed baby organic breakfast while simultaneously giving cat organic treats
8:05am - clean baby with organic wipes while describing the process of cleaning oneself
8:10am - go through colors with baby using oil pastels and easel
8:12am - put away easel, take out miniature french horn
8:15am - listen to and teach baby how to play miniature french horn
8:25am - watch baby practice Irish jig dancing and give short commentary on the country of Ireland and its political strife
8:35am - go through body parts with baby using anatomically correct terms (armpit=axillary region)
and so on...

Alas, our "schedule" goes loosely like this:

anywhere between 6:30-8:30am - wake
8:35am - place baby on floor with remote control, giving me a precious two more minutes of shut-eye
9:00am - finally roll out of bed and put on same sweat pants that were worn yesterday
9:15am - go downstairs and start making cereal for baby
9:20am - place baby in high chair and remember cereal on stove
9:21am - clean up cereal on stove that has boiled over and scrape "clean" cereal into baby's bowl
9:23am - feed baby while checking cell phone to see if any "adults" that speak English have called
9:25am - give baby sweet potato puffy thingies in order to buy a few seconds to go pee
9:30am - put baby back on floor to play while trying to clean the kitchen, realize it's too quiet and find baby playing in cat's litter boxes
(I won't go further - don't want to incriminate myself...)

So, as you can see, there are no mini french horns in our future. We do read books about colors, but I'm afraid I bore her because just likes the concept of turning pages and doesn't seem to care about "red apples!" I try to explain things I'm doing, but she always seems busy chasing the cat and doesn't care how one makes coffee. I notice that I tend to gravitate towards the computer so that I can somehow "interact" with others who speak my language. Yet, I have committed to not being on the computer too long when she's awake...don't want to be emotionally absent.

I'm stuck in a quandry. Maybe this is just how it is. Maybe people don't get up and dress their babies in kilts in order to practice their jigs. But maybe they do. And this is what I fear.

So Exhausted

2005-12-19T11:44:00.000-08:00

This sucks. Seriously, it does. It's been a year now and I'm still looking for a good work-at-home position. I've searched here and posted a resume here (see "Unofficial Resume" on November 15 of Cleveland version). I've even done several customer service jobs which could be compared to plucking out one's arm hairs one-by-one. I did telemarketing (though I tried to convince myself that they were "customer service" calls), but experienced severe irritable bowel episodes prior to each shift. True, my experience is in customer service, and yes, I did a good job even though I hated it, but it's not where my true passion lies. Besides, the impending explosive diarrhea was a bit distracting.

So here I am, a year later and many, many, MANY dollars more in debt. I'm not sure what to do. Instinct tells me to wait it out; something will come along. But I can feel my throat closing when I think about waiting...it's that old fear. Fear of not making it, fear of "the man" coming down on me, fear of failure, I suppose. Same old, same old. Where are all of those fabulous writing jobs?

What to do? And so I sit.

Twisted Humor

2005-12-19T07:55:00.000-08:00

Hahaha! Thanks, Carrie!

Greatest Game Ever:

2005-12-18T17:34:00.000-08:00

Oreo Matchin' Middles

Oh, the ways you can play! Of course there is the instructed way, but we've played every variation from "See-how-psychic-you-can-be-and-guess-what-shape-I'm-holding-up-without-looking," to "I'll-give-you-a-hint-and-twist-it-till-it-fits-together."

And the baby likes it too!

Sam's Club: The Eighth Level of Hell

2005-12-18T17:11:00.000-08:00

So we just got back from Sam's Club. Somewhere between the masses of wandering zombies and the recycled air barely circulating, I fell into a deep state of exhaustion.

We had put it off long enough. We knew we had to go. There were two diapers left in the house, and though I briefly (very briefly) pondered re-using some of those barely urinated-in diapers, I was forced to discard the idea when I realized that we were out of wipes as well.

There are many reasons why I hate, no, abhor Sam's Club. Walking in feels like entering a Cathedral of Consumerism. Bright lighting, sirens randomly going off (seriously, sirens), hoards of people scrambling over car-sized cases of beef jerky and slightly rotting pears...these are just a few such reasons. Call me stuck-up, but I'm all about presentation. I have a hard time with jeans and t-shirts stacked on pallets. Also, there is the fact that one cannot leave without spending at least $100 and that's only if you keep your purchases down to 6 or less items.

So we got our diapers and wipes ($50 right there) and then we had to get two gallons of milk and three cans of pasta sauce. I looked at buying rice, but it's only available in 10 pound bags. It's all about excess at Sam's Club. You can't just get ONE DVD, you have to get the TRIPLE PACK! Who wants one Mary-Kate and Ashley DVD, much less three?? We managed to leave with not only diapers and wipes, but also a map of the United States and some bubble mailers. We simply had to have them. And the best part is that when you're done checking out, there are no bags big enough to hold your enormous purchases so you're stuck throwing a 20 pound package of pasta in the back of your vehicle along with the 35 rolls of toilet paper that you needed.

So why do we go? Because they manage to save us $5 each time we buy diapers. Hmmmm. I'm not sure it's worth it.

Cat Shit

2005-12-17T12:47:00.000-08:00

"Cat shit is even more disgusting than cow shit," says my husband, the expert. Apparently it's the difference between eating grass and eating meat that does it. He knows because he's learned from the ultimate in sources: his father. The anecdote goes that his father would throw away a dish before using it after a cat had eaten out of it. "Once a cat's tongue has touched a dish, you may as well throw it away!!!" A courageous statement, indeed. And so that begins to explain why my husband reacted the way he did when we found the baby playing in a toilet full of cat shit. Let me back up a bit...

Often we will all hang out as a family, either looking at the Christmas (er, holiday) tree or playing piano. Unfortunately, the baby's attention span is short and looking at the holiday tree takes about 2.4 seconds for her. So while we sit and take in its splendor, she takes off to find the next ladybug who will meet its terrifying death between her two front teeth or to play with all of the random plastic bags which populate our floors. But today, as we were playing piano and marveling at our amazing Mozart-like skills, a kind of silence fell upon our ears from the other room. I kindly asked my husband where the baby was, as I walked into the other room. I knew the cat food was safe because I had moved that to a higher area. When I noticed the bathroom door was open, I was immediately filled with trepidation - not knowing what monstrosities I might discover. What if she was quietly shredding the toilet paper and scattering it about the room? What if she had dumped the trash can all over the floor and was examining its contents with that innate curiousity which only belongs to her? Even my mind could not have dreamed up the sight which would befall me.

She was standing against the toilet, holding onto the edge holding a handful of cat shit. Yes. Cat shit. Not just cat shit, but wet cat shit, encassed in litter. And she was squishing it in her palm, watching it squeeze out between her fingers with a sort of unexplainable glee. Her excitement was tangible. Not only had she somehow gotten into a room that is usually vaulted, but she had also managed to feel this amazing putty-like substance with a texture unlike any other she had ever experienced. It was like having her cake and EATING IT TOO (except she didn't eat it, thank God).

To clarify, the cat is not weirdly bathroom-trained. And we do not normally have random clumps of cat shit sitting in the bottom of the toilet. My dearest husband had been cleaning the cat's shit buckets (litterboxes) and, after putting the buckets away, had neglected to flush the toilet. It was simply begging to be played in...or something like that...

So when I discovered the baby playing in the cat shit, my first reflex was to let her keep playing - discovery is, after all, the best play. But when my husband saw her, he went on a rant - there was talk of bleach - how best to use it and where. Various quotes from his father flew out of his mouth along with comments about how disgusting cats are "with their asses rubbing all over the place." The rant continued as I balanced the baby on my knee, took her shirt off (sleeves saturated with toilet water), washed her hands numerous times, passed her off to the husband and cleaned the toilet situation. In fact, the rant continued and digressed into a conversation about the inherent differences between cat shit and cow shit, along with the exclamations about a meat-eating diet vs. a grass-eating diet.

So the situation is over now; the baby is clean and napping. We've all been bleached and washed, rather obsessive compulsively. The question now, of course, is whether he'll remember to flush the toilet from now on after cleaning the litterboxes or will we have more "episodes?" And what, for Chrissake, will his father say??

Motivational Speech

2005-12-17T12:34:00.000-08:00

Never try to give someone a motivational speech while they are pushing a stroller through six inches of packed snow. And for that matter, don't try to listen to a motivational speech while pushing a stroller through six inches of packed snow. Trust me. I've done this. And did I mention the frozen ice on top of the packed snow? And the annoyed baby inside the stroller who insists that shoes and socks are not necessary even in December and delights in dropping them by the side of the stroller? Did I mention the prized object - the liquid sustenance - the reason why anyone would push a stroller through six inches of packed snow - did I mention it sloshing all over said stroller, leaking down onto the head of the annoyed baby (having cooled itself on the way down the stroller canopy) and being half-gone by the time the destination is reached? And did I mention wearing the wrong shoes - clogs - and having them fill with ice and snow and discarded (but not retrieved) dog shit? Couple all of that with an itchy hat and an over-sufficient scarf and even Mary-freaking-Poppins couldn't stay positive, much less say the right things during a motivational speech. Seriously. Don't do it.

It's all my mother's fault...

The Short List

Nauseating News

Police Want To Know Who's Dumping Bags Of Vomit

Back To My Roots

Dangers of Everyday Life

Almighty Google

Rising Star

Human After All

Here Ya Go, Universe!

Hope For The Future

Carl Edwards ESPN Cover

Blog Envy

The Ultimate Non-Couple

Rough Day

What Should I Be When I Grow Up?

Changing My Patterns

Random Thought

Thorn In Our Sides

Bringing More Traffic To Your Blog

Objects In Rearview Mirror...

Rainbow At Elam Bend

Becoming Educated

How To Send A Fax In 25 Easy Steps

Displaced

Loss of a Legend

Where Gnomes Dwell

Mind Blowing...er, Mind Controlling

Maintaining Contact

Margaritaville

Making More Money With Blogging

Short Dissertation on the Annoyances of Online Money Processors

Here's To You, New Orleans

Actual Conversation Had With My Mother

Steeling My Resolve

Take Me Back

Listening To:

Construction Continues

Greatest Quote EVER

Mercury Retrograde

Mercury retrograde

from March 2 to March 25, 2006

Astronomical background

General influence of Mercury retrograde

What is this Mercury retrograde period good for?

Various and Sundry

Construction

Still Thinking

Speaking of Which.........

I *Heart* Wit

February Sucks

92% Of All Girls Hate Some Part of Their Bodies

Pity Party Stopped Short

The Search Continues

MIA

Verklempt

Lost (and found)

Things You Never Knew And Probably Don't Care To Know...

Thanks To Totino's

Christmas Miracle

Crap Day

Transitioning

Speaking From Experience

Baby, It's Cold Inside

The Itch That Won't Go Away...

Wrestling With Demons

Bad Mama Blues

So Exhausted

Twisted Humor

Greatest Game Ever:

Sam's Club: The Eighth Level of Hell

Cat Shit

Motivational Speech

I Heart Wit