It's all my mother's fault...

I'm not good at "staying in touch."  This is something I will admit freely.  In nine out of ten cases, I will know people from a particular stage in my life and, when that stage ends, I will swear up and down that we will "stay in touch."  And usually we do, for a bit.  But then time keeps marching on and I stop returning phone calls; I fade from view. 

 

It's not that I don't want to "stay in touch" or that I don't have the best intentions, because, really, I do.  In fact, in the vast majority of cases, I really care about the person and treasure the time I have spent with them.  So what is my problem?  Well, I have thought about this a bit and have come up with a couple of theories to offer. 

 

One theory involves my perfectionism and obsessive-compulsive nature.  See, when I get an email or letter or phone call from a friend, I immediately go into what I call "clever mode."  "Clever mode" is my usual witty, sarcastic, fun, caring self.  "Clever mode" is great and most people like it, but it also requires a lot of energy from me.  I put expectations upon myself to always be witty, sarcastic, fun and caring.  If I am feeling depressed or stressed or any combination of the two, my abilities to be witty, sarcastic, fun and caring become severely handicapped.  I have a hard time actually communicating with anyone else on an interesting level because I just want to go inward until the other emotions pass.  I know that my true friends want to see every side of me and that I am "safe" sharing myself at any point, but I just have such a hard time pushing past my personal expectations.

 

My other theory involves blaming my childhood and the fact that we moved a lot.  Explaining it, in its entirety, would involve many long paragraphs about religion and God and society, and I just don't think I'm up for it right now.  Suffice to say that we moved a lot, and I had to leave a lot of people behind in the various chapters of my life.  It was easier to just let them go and grasp hold of the present than constantly long for what was.  I basically divided my life into separate lives and it simply didn't work to bring people from past lives into my current life.

 

Of course there have always been exceptions to the rules.  I have kept in touch with one or two people from high school and family, of course.  But for the most part, for any number of reasons, I've had a difficult time "staying in touch." 

 

I guess at least I'm aware of this possible character flaw and know I need to think about this.  And to those of you with whom I've "lost touch," I'm working on it. 

 

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