It's all my mother's fault...

Well I've put off writing today because it seems like the only things I have to say are the ones I've already said.  I started thinking about the whole thing and realized that I probably just say the same things over and over, but on a cycle.  So I start out saying "everything is stressful, but it'll be okay," then I say "everything is stressful; I'm working hard; it should be okay," and I end the cycle by saying, "everything is stressful; I'm working hard; nothing is going to pan out; we're all going to DIE!" 

 

So in thinking about this cycle, I was reminded of this incredible movie that I saw this week.  It's called What The Bleep Do We Know!?, and when I saw it, I knew my life had been changed.  It basically restated everything that I know to be true and helped put into words all of my ideas.  And that evening, after watching the movie, I lay in bed thinking about it, wanting to savor every second of its profundity.  My life had been changed; I was going to awake the next morning, exclaiming my intent for the day -- and the pieces would fall into place like Tetris squares.  I would break through all of my patterns and change the future of my children's children. 

 

And for about an hour the next day, I did feel very aligned and centered and enlightened.  I floated about, focusing on my intent.  But then things started to happen.  I realized another bill was due.  The baby needed lunch.  I noticed a cold sore developing on my lip and a random molar felt loose.  The downward spiral had begun. 

 

Interestingly enough, I also lost grasp of the movie.  Later, when I tried to remember parts of it, I couldn't.  It all felt so abstract, and the only thing I could remember was the various "Professors of Quantum Physics" sitting on their chic leather couches.  (I wonder how much those cost??!) 

 

And then the usual cycle took root again.  It's not even that I got lazy (although maybe I did), it's just that my usual sense of reality felt pretty darn real and I couldn't even begin to think about another reality that could be out there.  It became about survival.  Just get through this to get to the next thing, which will just need to be gotten through as well.  And so on.

 

So today I am at the "end" of the cycle.  I am thinking "everything is stressful; I'm working hard; nothing is going to pan out; we're all going to DIE!"  But really, I think I've made some progress.  At least I get that it's a cycle.  And even though I don't know what to do about it, and it feels uncomfortable and hot and itchy, at least I'm aware. 

 

And I guess that's the point.  All it takes is awareness and the rest will figure itself out.  But it's waiting for "the rest" to figure itself out that's killing me right now - this limbo; this uncertainty. 

 

But this too shall pass, I suppose.  And we'll be back at the beginning again.

 

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