Tuesday, February 28, 2006 

Here's To You, New Orleans

It's Fat Tuesday; Mardi Gras.  I'm doing basically nothing for the occasion, but the people in New Orleans are on my mind.  Other than the obvious immediate aftermath of Hurricane Katrina and a few spatterings of news here and there, I haven't really followed the politics of it all.  I'm aware of some controversy surrounding almost every part of the time prior to, during, and post the Hurricane.  I know some people died, many people were displaced, and all-in-all, the event was disastrous.  I did my part, donated to the Red Cross and dutifully sent out good energy to those ravaged part of our country. 

But here we are on the city's big day - Mardi Gras - and I wonder how they're all hanging in there.  I understand that the French Quarter was largely unaffected, but that speaks nothing to the high volumes of people (every person in New Orleans, I'm sure) who were were definitely affected. 

There is one thing I've gathered about this city though: they are a city of survivors.  And they survive with flair.  These are not people who just eek by, hoping to "get through"; these are people who put soul into living.  They survive through their music and their food; their religion and their philosophy.  Come to think of it, they don't just "survive," they live, and they do it with passion.  The thing is that despite it all, they'll get through. 

So Happy Mardi Gras, New Orleans.  You're on my mind; and I thank you for your example.

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Sunday, February 26, 2006 

Actual Conversation Had With My Mother

"Why am I suddenly getting pornography in my email?"

"You're getting pornography??!"

"Well it's from 'dating singles' and if you could see the way this woman is looking at me...."

"Oh my gosh, mom, I thought you meant there was suddenly a giant penis on your screen!  That's pornography."

"Oh my.  Now I think that would be more than I could handle."

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Saturday, February 25, 2006 

Steeling My Resolve

I think I'm forever at some sort of limbo spot. I've posted about this before so it may seem redundant to those who have been reading along (basically to you, mom), but it's worth reiteration.

The thing that I've started to notice about "limbo" though, is that it feels an awful lot like real life. I mean, maybe "limbo" is just everyday, normal life. We escalate; we plateau; we descend...and start all over again. We feel like nothing is really ever getting resolved, but maybe it's all just baby steps. Maybe it's all just cyclical.

I've been looking for a work-at-home position for over a year and a half now and have tried a lot of things. At times, I feel like I'm desperate enough to do anything, but when I get into the midst of each of those things (ie. telemarketing, waitressing), I realize how dreadful they are. Not only that, but I've started to realize that I deserve better; my talents deserve better, and I really owe it to myself to do what makes me happy.

But there's still this constant struggle. Usually I think the reality is that we need the money and my writing just "ain't gonna cut it" right now. At those times, I get really interested in those shows on the Discovery channel about fishing for Alaskan King Crab Legs (do you realize how much those people make??!), and I start to steer myself down the spiral. But sometimes, I remember that there are people who do "cut it" on doing what they love (and those aren't just those crazy bookkeeper-type people who actually *love* figures and math). There are people truly doing what they love and getting paid to do it. I think I deserve to be one of those people.

So for tonight, I'm content to not mind-fuck. I'm going to buck up and think positively. Somewhere, someone is looking for what I have to offer. I won't think about impending bills and finding the money to pay them. We will make it.

But check in next week. As I said, this appears to be a cyclical ride.

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Thursday, February 23, 2006 

Take Me Back

Remember how I was talking about interesting it is that one little thing can just take you back ? The other day I noticed an Internet friend's avatar was of someone scuba diving. Suddenly a rush of memories came back; some nostalgic, but mostly just empathetic.

When I was beginning high school, I had just switched schools and was a new kid, once again. It was very difficult for me. I had strange clothes, spoke a strange language and was all-around, not average. And what a ninth-grader needs most is to be average; to blend; to fit in. I think I was smart enough to realize that I just wasn't going to "blend," therefore, I had to figure out ways to explain my uniqueness. The ironic thing about high school is that, for the most part, a kid just wants to be the same as all the others, but if they are unique, they can only be unique in an acceptable way. "Strange" methods of being unique, just didn't work. So if one HAD to be unique, they must choose "normal" ways to do so.

Unfortunately for me, what made me unique, was not acceptable. I had recently moved from a commune, my parents were still relatively strict Catholic (to the point where I wasn't allowed to wear jeans to school during the first year of high school), and I had no idea what a "boner" was. So instead of being allowed to tell the truth, I made up ways to explain myself.

One such way came to me when I found a silver necklace lying on the ground one day. It was a man's necklace; thick chain and large medallion. On the medallion was an engraving of a scuba diver. For some reason, this struck me as interesting and I began wearing it. People started asking about it. Eventually I became a learned scuba diver, versed in the nuances of the bends , knowledgeable about the best reefs and places to dive - all of course, in my mind. I created a whole separate person who was a schooled scuba diver, even though, at that point, I had only been to the ocean once and had barely stuck a toe in because it was such a cold day.

Finally, when the chain started to turn my neck green, I took the necklace off and hoped people would stop asking about it. I had grown tired of making up facts of interest, although luckily no one knew if I was right or not since I lived in a small farm town in Minnesota. I tried to just be myself. The problem was that I was losing grip on who that was - or not sure if I ever knew who that was. The necklace, at least, gave me an identity that was tangible. I was the Great Scuba Diver. Much better than just another Lonely Scared Girl.

So I guess when I think about that necklace, I feel nostalgia and empathy because I remember, but it's as though I am a whole separate person doing the remembering. I feel empathy for that Lonely Scared Girl. I know how she felt, grasping for something to make her someone, but at the same time, I can see how she came out of it.

I can see how she's making peace with her own "strange" uniqueness.

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Wednesday, February 22, 2006 

Listening To:

Bob Dylan - Love Sick.mp3

James Blunt - Goodbye my Lover.mp3

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Tuesday, February 21, 2006 

Construction Continues

I'm attempting to work with a new blog editor in order to bring more traffic to the site. It's called Qumana Blog Editor and should hopefully help me create Technorati tags and insert specific advertisements. I'm not sure how it's going to work, but I'm going to post a bit at a time and use this blog as my "experiment blog." Hang in there with me.
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Monday, February 20, 2006 

Greatest Quote EVER

(Thanks, Nick!)


Mercury Retrograde

I'm blaming everything on this for the next couple of weeks.

From Astrology Weekly:

Mercury retrograde

from March 2 to March 25, 2006

Here we go again... Mercury goes retrograde once again. It happens 3 times a year and it lasts for about 3 weeks. This time is from March 2 to March 25, 2006. Next time, from July 5 to July 28, 2006. Then, from October 29 - November 17, 2006.

This is an important period, and we should be aware of the effects associated with this astrological influence. Since it is so often, we must learn what it means and how to take advantage of it.

Astronomical background

There is no real backwards movement of Mercury; it's just that we see it this way from Earth, because of the combined movement of the Earth and Mercury around the Sun. However, astrologically this is very relevant.

General influence of Mercury retrograde

Mercury rules over the mind's processes, studying, communication, businesses, travels and the like. When Mercury reverses its direction, all these areas are affected as well.

The mind turns naturally inwards and people tend to analyze more the own thoughts and follow the common thinking patterns, rather then be curious and eager of new intellectual experiences or challenges. This helps the meditation or the thorough lonely long-term study of a specific matter, but it affects the study of new subjects, the communication with the others, the attention oriented outwards.

Businesses, travels and communications tend to experience delays and different problems. Computers and other processes that work with information may experience crashes, unexpected failures.

Don't enroll to courses, don't buy expensive Mercurian items (books, cars, mobile phones etc.), don't sign important contracts and do not marry.

What is this Mercury retrograde period good for?

It is definitely a very good period for some actions. No time is completely bad for anything, there is a reason in everything happens.

The key is the reversed direction of movement: take any known Mercurian action, reverse its flow, consider the keywords "re-doing something", "double-checking", "finish the old projects" and there you are, you've found the good side of Mercury retrograde.

For instance, you may want to read again a book you particularly liked, a subject you studied before, meet and discuss with old friends you haven't met for a long time, travel to places you've already been to before.

This is an excellent time to work on old projects that never got to be finished. So, think about the things you started and never finalized.

Next, you might wish to prevent any bad things to happen to you: so double-check your agenda, call your business partners to confirm that everything goes as planned, have everything ready before the deadline and leave some extra time for unexpected events. Make copies of your important files and documents, save your work more often.

The other solution is to go on vacation or at least slow down the pace of your projects. You will find that going slowly during the Mercury retrograde period will spare you many efforts of redoing the same action that wasn't performed right the first time.

Above all, be generous and compassionate: you are already aware about the influence of this period, but the others aren't aware of it or there may be uncontrollable events. That's why you should have more diligence with the others and give them some more time. It'll be your mental health that you'll be sparing actually.

Sunday, February 19, 2006 

Various and Sundry

Well the construction is not complete, but it will have to be a work in progress for awhile. I had a fun profile set up with a scrolling marquee (that only took about five hours to figure out), but I decided that it didn't really fit the site. (Plus Nick commented that it sort of looked like it was there only because I had just figured out how to do it - talk about hitting the nail on the head, eh?) I don't know the first thing about html or css so I'm doing this completely in the dark. But I gave birth so I'm hoping I can figure this out too...or maybe that's twisted logic.

Anyway, I've been reading a lot of other people's blogs and really enjoying them. It's amazing how diverse the subject matter is and how varied the writing styles are. Everything from God to financials to divorce to politics. Problem is that I've looked at so many blogs that I now dream about them. I dream about the templates and the mastheads and the subject matter and the profiles. My dreams are getting all twisted up into my "real" life and it's becoming very confusing and scattered. These "fake" people are entwined into my "real" life. It makes for a restless night's sleep. I suppose I should break from the Internet at least an hour before bed every night, but I'm afraid I'm addicted - which is another post for another night.

All right, off to my butter pecan ice cream with caramel sauce.

Saturday, February 18, 2006 


I'm attempting to do some work on the site to give it a little more personality. If meteors fly out at you and things dance across the screen, you've been warned.

Friday, February 17, 2006 

Still Thinking

Regarding this post ...I finally posted on the Dove Self-Esteem Forum. (I know that's nearing pathetic, but I couldn't help myself after watching the commercial over and over. I now use it as a catharsis when I need to release.) Anyway, here's what I posted:

Not sure what it is about this commercial...but I've watched it about 100 times and I still cry every time.

I think it really speaks to me of my insecurities as a woman, but also of how ridiculous those insecurities are - especially when I look over at my beautiful, perfect daughter. I'm so sad that she's growing up in a world that asks so much of girls; for them to want something that is always different than their own beauty.

Yet, I'm so thankful that she (my daughter) IS my daughter because in so many ways, her beauty has taught me so much about my own.

Thanks for this commercial. I'll be sad when you take it off the site. I watch it almost daily.


Speaking of Which.........

Big Bird needs to totally kick these guys in the you-know-where. And their direction-giving capabilities leave something to be desired.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006 

I *Heart* Wit

Compliments of A Softer World:

Monday, February 13, 2006 

February Sucks

It's February. I could do without February, to tell you the truth. With the exception of my husband's birthday, there's nothing much that's good about the month.

It's that time of the year that is gray and cold and winter has run its course, but doesn't know it yet. The ground starts to poke through the snow but rather than bring cheer, it simply becomes a welcome place for dogs to shit. The sun tries to shine through, but just succeeds in providing a hazy light to the day. And it's still cold.

I haven't left the house in a week. I'm afraid my perspective is getting warped.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006 

92% Of All Girls Hate Some Part of Their Bodies

I watched this eight times today. Talk about an emotional release. It's unsettling, but thought-provoking. Sad, but happy, and all too real. How does it make you feel?

Dove Self-Esteem Fund Commercial


Pity Party Stopped Short

This morning I woke up to a blanket of snow on the ground. Well actually, it wasn't so much a blanket as one of those hole-y afghans crotcheted by your grandmother that are supposed to be warm and snuggly but are really quite inefficient when they come to providing warmth. So what I'm trying to say is that it snowed, but only mildly so; just enough to kick my morale down a few more notches. The problem was that it kept snowing throughout the day. Not enough to really make a difference, but enough to make it look really cold and gray outside. Enough to make a person want to keep their pajamas on all day and eat only homemade popcorn while watching The Sound of Music over and over.

But I have a child and they don't quite understand the concept of "wallowing." Point out the snow falling and they try to catch it. Show them a cold window and they stick their tongue against it. Start whining to them and they crinkle their nose up and "oink." Everything is an exploration for a child. Nothing is very serious. And almost any calamity can be resolved with a few tears and the presentation of a new item to discover. Amazing little creatures aren't they?

So though the snow kept falling and the temperature dropping, I wasn't able to wallow for too long. There were toys to look at and glorious tasks to do - such as stacking blocks and practicing walking. BUT I did get to stay in my pajamas all day!

Monday, February 06, 2006 

The Search Continues


Over a year and a half later, the search continues for a work-at-home position. Here's the short list of things I have tried:

  • Freelance writing - Let me just specify that it was TECHNICAL writing which, in my mind, is basically equal to getting a root canal or having your bikini zone waxed. Mundane, tedious and you feel the mind-numbing effects for days afterwards
  • Waitress at an Asian restaurant - AKA. my gig as an actress. This "experience" lasted for about three hours and was the same as being thrust into an acting role in an all Chinese-speaking play. I have a vague recollection of being introduced to the difference between various steaming sauces boiling in their own vats. And of being leared at by the "fry cook."
  • Telemarketing - Call it what you will (the company says "customer service rep" and I tried to buy that), but it was definitely telemarketing. Though I was supposedly calling current subscribers of particular periodicals, they certainly weren't happy to hear from me and I DEFINITELY wasn't happy to be talking to them. Yes, I became one of "them" for a few short weeks in which I made a whopping total of $277. I quit when I realized that my soul was worth more if I was going to be selling it to the devil. Yes, it was that bad.
  • Investor - Ah, the money you will make! The financial freedom! The diapers you can buy! The food you will eat! The large-screen televisions you will purchase! The credit cards that will be paid! Or not. Yeah, this "position" is a bit volatile. Not to say that it doesn't have it's upsides (I did profit, believe it or not), but I'm not sure it's what you can put all your hopes and dreams into. Seems that balance really is a critical thing.

So therein lies the short list. And this doesn't even include all of my near-misses (ie. personal assistant to a real estate investor, greeting card writer/editor). In retrospect, I'm glad I did these things though (except the telemarketing - I could have done without that), because they helped me to realize what I DON'T want to do. And I think I'm starting to realize that maybe that's what I'm here to figure out. That way, in the next lifetime, I'll be all set.


About me

  • I'm Sara
  • From United States
  • I consider myself to be a storyteller and often draw upon my everyday experiences in order to create stories. I grew up in a commune.
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