Tuesday, January 31, 2006 

MIA

Sorry I've been missing for a bit. I've been caught up in the crazy, whirl-wind world of HYIPs and autosurfs . I'm back now after a full-scale hacking that took down a large majority of HYIPs, and, in the meantime, managed to destroy my hope in a secure financial future. Yes, it was that bad.

I had money growing in these investments that had HUGE potential to change our financial outlook. Unfortunately, much of it was lost. Fortunately, however, I was smart enough to play with profits only and did not lose any of our own money (which is not to say that the money lost wouldn't have been extremely helpful).

So the hacker basically applied the equivalent of a swift kick in the crotch to my attitude right now. This is perhaps good though. I am working on refocusing towards more consistent, steady ways to grow our income. Autosurfs aren't so bad and definitely have more long-term potential. And I'm still always looking for that ideal work-at-home job. *Sigh*

The problem is that things are getting desperate. I've thrown this out into the universe time after time, but here goes again: We need more money! We need financial freedom! Please supply us with a way!!

*Putting nose back to the grindstone*

Tuesday, January 17, 2006 

Verklempt

I haven't posted for a few days and it's mostly because I've just been feeling "off." I'm not exactly sure what it's about. Money is really, really, really tight and the baby is teething; we're not sleeping well and these are gray, gray days. I guess it could be any of those things or just the whole ball'o'wax. (I really should keep track of these days to see if it aligns with any sort of hormonal shift.)

Money has always been tight, probably always will be. That's just how it is. I'm thinking of putting all the bills in a hat and just picking a few out to pay each month...or maybe not. The point is, money is just money and I need to just deal with these swings. So I don't know if that, in and of itself, is the real problem.

And the baby is amazing and wonderful, but today we just didn't get along. I needed some time for myself and she needed to be with me. Such are the joys of motherhood, I suppose. One is never really "by themselves." And really, in the long run, that's not a big deal. In fact, I love that in many ways.

But today was a gray, blustery, rainy Seattle sort of day. It was the sort of day that spawns all of those depressing Radiohead or The Cure songs. The windows shook all day and rain came down. And we were stuck inside. I clenched my teeth most of the day.

Reality is, this is probably all PMS related. But so what? I'm just feeling "off."

Monday, January 09, 2006 

Lost (and found)

We've gotten hooked on the television series Lost. I'm not sure how it happened. One day it was mentioned; we watched a preview and decided to give it a go. Somehow we ended up watching 24 hours of the show (within a three day time span) because the first season had just come out on dvd. We didn't change out of our pajamas for the whole stretch and sustained ourselves with hotpockets and droplets of condensation we collected off the leaves of a tropical plant...oh wait, that was in the show...nevermind that last part...

After finishing the 24th episode, we looked at each other and said "where the hell are we going to find the second season??" I posted on several message boards looking for someone (anyone!) who had taped the second season, but much to my chagrin, no one had (or didn't want to share).

Finally, after a series of maneuvers that my brother assures me are legal, we obtained the first seven episodes of the second season. So far we've watched the first four of these, but I'm worried about when we're done watching these. Trouble is, in order to get caught up we have to find episodes eight and nine. I'm not sure how to do this and even if we do, what about when we do catch up and have to wait a week (or more) in between episodes!!??

I'm jones-ing already...

Saturday, January 07, 2006 

Things You Never Knew And Probably Don't Care To Know...

(In no particular order...)

  • I like A LOT of cream in my coffee. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but it's true. Sometimes, when people are watching, I'll just put a little bit in there, but when they look away, I add more.
  • I could eat freshly popped popcorn every night and never get sick of it.
  • My hands and feet are always cold.
  • I sang solos in Choir in high school. I even won awards!
  • I like having some time to myself.
  • I LOVE the movie OfficeSpace.
  • I cry every single time I watch Westside Story and Beaches.
  • I've never seen Caddyshack.
  • I really like that Shakira song Whenever, Wherever.
  • I LOVE black olives.
  • The only thing I really craved when pregnant was ice tea with lemon.
  • I am an Internet addict.
  • My child will never leave the house wearing sweatpants.
  • I use Aveda brand shampoo.
  • I LOVE cheese.
  • I get weirdly emotional when listening to Aaron Neville.
  • I've had four different people try to teach me how to drive a stick-shift.
  • I would buy my childhood home if it went up for sale.
  • I dislike talking on the phone (with a few exceptions).
  • I am hooked on the television show Lost.
  • I watched Beauty and the Beast for two days straight over Christmas vacation when I was 16 years old.
  • I wish my stomach was flatter.
  • Fall is my favorite season.
  • I still feel guilty for hiding from my mom when she was looking for me after I "ran away from home" when I was in high school. (I feel more guilty now that I've had a child.)
  • I'm afraid of heights.


Thursday, January 05, 2006 

Thanks To Totino's

You know how certain smells or foods or sounds can bring you back to a whole other place? Like for some, when they hear Aaron Neville, they get all emotional just thinking about their first school dance and all the boys on one side of the room and the girls on the other and the sad disco ball hanging from the middle of the ceiling, seeing no action? Or for others, when they smell mildew mixed with decaying wood, they think of the basement in their childhood home and all of the "science experiments" that went on there, including, but not limited to, the incident where their brother almost spontaneously combusted? Yeah, you know what I mean.

For me, it's those little pizza roll-ups that bring everything back.

I was 19 years old and had just left the wrong college in the midst of a probable nervous breakdown. I had been imaging nuns stalking me and had university security guards attempting to climb in my dorm windows in an effort to declare their undying love. It was not a good time. And so I had made the life-changing (courageous) decision to leave that school. My parents, amazingly, supported me and only wanted me to be well. (I will always, always be thankful to them for this.) I also made the decision that I would Greyhound it to Washington state where I had a hippie cousin who would take me in and "show me the ropes." I just needed a change of pace. I needed something to take my mind off things.

First I went back home; it was that time after Christmas when everything feels really cold and bare and picked-over. My mother, knowing the insurance-related implications of me leaving college, insisted that I should have my wisdom teeth removed. I remember counting to eight and then waking up, feeling very groggy. The rest of the time, I just remember extreme pain and misery, accompanied by a constant, continuous bloody taste in my mouth. Everything was wrong. But for some reason, my mother decided to make those pizza roll-ups. We never had these sorts of things so there was much commotion about the treat. I remember trying to eat one and immediately spitting it out. It was too hot and tasted of blood and cotton balls. I would be forever destined to think of pizza roll-ups in a new way. I now thought of them much in the way my mother thought of Chow Mein; immediately after eating Chow Mein with those weird little fake noodle-y things on top, she was rushed to the hospital in order to have her appendix removed. Chow Mein would become a symbol of emergency and illness...and so would those pizza roll-ups.

In many ways, my life can be viewed as "pre-pizza roll-ups" and "post-pizza roll-ups". It was post-pizza roll-ups that everything changed. My mouth healed from the trauma of surgery and I began my Greyhound trip out west. There are many stories from that trip that are better saved for another day. I spent a lot of time staring out windows and sitting in dirty bus aisles and writing terrible, terrible poetry. But the fact is - that is when change was truly prompted; when my LIVING really began. I took a risk, accepted a challenge and was forced to be alone with myself. It's not that everything was wonderful and beautiful then -- it's that everything was dirty and grubby and unkempt -- great conditions for becoming.

And so, when I think of those pizza roll-ups (and I really do think of them from time to time), I tend to think of them as a milestone. They mark an end and a beginning.

Wow! Little did Totino's know when they packaged them!

Tuesday, January 03, 2006 

Christmas Miracle

If you've been reading along, you've probably read this post wherein I lamented transitioning my daughter from our cozy cosleeping situation to the cold reality of her crib in her own bedroom. Well Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm here to announce a miracle! A Christmas Miracle!!

She has slept in her own room for three nights in a row now! Not only that, but one of those nights, she SLEPT ALL THE WAY THROUGH WITHOUT A PEEP!!!

Amazingly, the transition has not been as difficult as we thought it might be. We envisioned hours and hours of screaming, accompanied with brief fainting spells and hyperventilation - and that was only from us. We couldn't even imagine how the baby would react. But somehow we've gotten through without any real hoopla.

Sure, there've been a few episodes of crying, but none longer than 7 minutes (yes - we timed it). And though those 7 minutes were excruciating, we got through and she got through and now she's sleeping more sound than she ever has in her life. I firmly believe that now, upon finding herself in her crib, she sighs a little sigh, cries a little cry, but then thinks "FINALLY! PEACE AND QUIET!!"

On the other hand, we have not slept so well. We are still adjusting to not having an extra someone in the bed with us. It's weird not waking up with bruises and cuts and scrapes - received when that extra someone sits up and then flops back down on your head or neck or arm. And it's strangely quiet in the room. We both lie there holding our collective breath, listening to the cat's jingly collar and the refrigerator hum. Upon finally falling asleep, we wake at 4:00am with a start, realizing that we have not heard from the baby in 7 hours. Immediately, we assume she is somehow lodged between the crib rails, gasping for her last breath. We silently try to calm each other's fears, knowing that soon enough, she'll wake up and then it'll be morning and we'll wonder why we're so tired. This part will get better, I trust. In the meantime, maybe hard alcohol before bed will help.

But it seems true that the best things you can give your kid are roots and wings. Cliche' as it sounds, I have to begrudgingly admit that boundaries are important and that, when given proper ones, children will embrace them. Wow - my mother was right again!

About me

  • I'm Sara
  • From United States
  • I consider myself to be a storyteller and often draw upon my everyday experiences in order to create stories. I grew up in a commune.
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